I pause as I need to click "publish this post........."
I have pondered for quite some time, how much of my soul to share. Do I post what has been on my mind for a few weeks....or let it pass quietly in my heart alone? I think I am going to dive in, get my feet wet....maybe just maybe free my heart. Oh normally in my life, I take the safe route, don't share too much.....but today, today, I'm gonna fall.......for a moment. I just want a moment to fall, but then I'll get back up again. Can I have that?
Valentines Day......ahh so many thoughts, but the loudest voice inside is yelling. I should be throwing a Baby's FIRST birthday party this weekend. Should, could, would have, but am not. Will a day come that I don't think that? When does a mother's heart let go??? WHEN?? Is it silly to connect so much, to have dreamt so much in only a few weeks?
Let me back up....for my sake as well as yours.....When Kadence was only about 3 months old I
got pregnant. Little shocking. Little unexpected. Lots of tears, but at 5 weeks I had an emotional, crazy, last minute, snuck in the back door,need to be leaving for Sidney for family pictures, ultrasound, and sure enough there was a little baby in there, heart beat and all....I look at my eyes in this picture. Taken the day after that first ultrasound, oh the worry that filled my heart that day. If only I would have known I was worrying about ALL the wrong things!
The moment we find out we're pregnant we are dreaming (aren't we all?) we start making plans, who will sleep where, will they be friends as they grow up, they'll be so close in age,boy what are people going to say when we tell them?, how will Cohen handle it? Girl or boy?....so many thoughts and dreams start the moment you know you are carrying life inside....
At 12 weeks we went in for an ultrasound. I knew. I knew before we got there. I don't why I knew, but I knew. I wouldn't say it outloud, didn't tell anyone, but I knew. My heart knew but I didn't want to listen....... I only had to see the dr's face for a second, when he turned the ultrasound on and I knew the world was going to come crashing down. Those were the longest 2( I can't even remember how long it was between my ultrasound and the d&c, was it 2 days, 3? It is so blurry now...all runs together in a haze) What does a person do then? when they send you home? "Go home and wait" They say...They sent me home, carrying my child...my child whose heart stopped beating? My child who was dead, was IN ME....she was IN ME.
Stop for a moment, close your eyes and feel that. To know that your child,who once grew and thrived inside you, has died, has died yet remains in you....now go home and wait...does a person go to work? Does a person lay at home and cry? How does a person care for a 5 month and a 4 yr old? When breathing seems like too much??? How does life go on around you? That I must admit was a low point in my life. Those 2-3 days were like living in my own personal torture chamber........
Crazy how in the matter of 6 weeks I could shed so many tears...first tears of "What a baby???!!! I can't have a baby? I have a baby! How will we manage??!!.......that quickly turned to tears of "WHAT NO BABY???? I HAVE TO have a baby! HOW WILL we manage?
Somewhere in that 6 weeks something went drastically wrong........
I do believe that every soul comes with a purpose and this baby was no different. I believe that this child of mine was sent to Earth to feel the gift of life, the warmth and love of a mother, but to only experience that in the purest of all forms....to never enter this world...this world with pain and heartache. There was never any intention for this baby to come to this crazy place we call home.........what a beautiful gift for a child. Yes I was blessed to give that gift to a child. Even as warm tears run down my cheeks .....I do believe every word of that.
That, that is the philosophical, make myself feel better side( come on who doesn't have two sides!!?).....my other side says....that sucks. Not fair. We weren't "trying" to have a baby, we weren't "asking" for a baby, so why send us a baby and then take it away.why??????? Oh the nights I have pondered that question.
I hadn't thought about it for awhile, so I suppose some would classify that as good......but it is hard to not imagine life differently. I imagine a baby's 1st bday this weekend. Nicely snuggled right between Kadence's 2nd birthday and Cohen's 5th birthday. A family of 5.....but we are still a family of 4.
It is not raw anymore. The pain and heartache. No the raw pain has subsided.
Now...now it is more of a longing.....and I have a hard time putting into words what that longing is for. Maybe because I haven't. Put it into words I mean. It's not like anyone says "Hey, when you had the unexpected pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, wasn't your due date Feb 12th, how do you feel about that now??" Not really a conversation starter....
I know that life would be way different and lots more stressful when I REALLY think about the implications of having a 5yr old, 2yr old and 1yr old. Yikes...so no I am at peace with this....I am not sure I could have been a very effective parent.......but yet this longing, this nagging, this emptiness still exists...like something is missing. Like we are not complete.
What does that mean? I don' t know............I don't know.
Someone told me, having a child will not replace the soul you lost. True. that is true. But will it make the longing go away? Will it fill the emptiness? Will it complete things in my mind? I really don' know. Will it fill that picture of a family of 5? Or will i always think well then it should have then been a family of 6? I don't know. I don't. So we go on. Because as a mom, as a wife, as a person, we must. We must go on. So I fall, but only for a moment.....for a moment I dream of a face I'll never see, of what life might have been like......for a moment I'll stay here with warm tears dripping down.
Tomorrow I will wake up and move on. Cohen will come in and wake me up and say "is it a stay at home day today?" and I will reassure him it is, he'll be excited and jump in bed...shortly then we'll here "MAMA" Mama out....and Cohen will excitedly announce that Kadence is awake, as we jump out of bed and run in there, Cohen will sing our good morning song and in that moment my heart will find the peace it needs again...in that moment when I get Kadence out of the crib and she rubs Cohen's head, as she does every morning, I will know in my heart that this is my life, as it was meant to be. That I have a very blessed life. This is My very Blessed Life........
"In a baby castle, just beyond your eye,
your baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Who are you to wish him back into this world of strife.
No, play on your baby, he'll have eternal life." ~A mother's song
2 comments:
Awwww Jen...you made me cry! I have thought about reaching out to you in the last few days...my due date was Feb. 4th. I keep thinking how things would be now with a 1 or 2 week old baby in the house. I'm sure it would have been hectic...but it would have been ok. I was doing good before the due date approached but now I have been doing too much thinking again. I hope you are alright...thanks for the sharing your thoughts. You are not alone and I appreciate your heartfelt post.
Jennifer I have also been thinking about you and glad that you got it out!!!
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