Wednesday, September 23, 2015

everyday kinda beautiful

"Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet." -Bob Marley

I had nothing to do with this happening,

as it was already in progress when I arrived home.

 It was one of those days.
Not bad.
Not good.
Just exhausting.
I told the kids my brain was tired today. 


This was a gift.
Given at the right time
on the right day.
A reminder to stop thinking, worrying, and doing for a split second
and just be present.
It's the everyday kind of beautiful that can be quietly missed. 

When my brain is tired it is hard to feel the rain.
I (as do all mom's) do so much for our kids and families that goes 
un-noted, unnoticed, un-thanked.
These moments
Like today
 These are the moments where they do so much for me 
and I am thankful I didn't miss it. That I didn't let the moment go
 un-noted, unnoticed, un-thanked. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Wants vs Priorities

So a short discussion evolved today but of course I can't stop reflecting on it.
If an anonymous check showed up for like $20,000, what would you really do with it?
First off it's silly cause $20,000 isn't going to drop from the sky in real life, 
but yet here is my mind mulling it over. 

My first thoughts went towards the obvious things, 
so for a moment here was my first train of thoughts...

"Oh a dishwasher, OMG how do we still not have a dishwasher, OHHH the bathroom, update the bathroom and the kitchen, including the dishwasher, and windows, and siding, and its time to trade off the van, and update the pick up which is dying...DISNEY! Oh yeah Disney! Yes, Disney would make the list! Maybe a trip to the tropics. OH yes the kind of vacation where you really vacation and just hang out at the beach and drink umbrella drinks........wait how much money was it? $20,000?  I just overspent it didn't I??! If this is a hypothetical game can we change the amount?" 
It doesn't hurt to ask right? Someone's got to push the rules.

Upon further reflection a random extra 20Gs really isn't ever going to satisfy my Want list. Even after the $20,000 was spent I'd still be left with what 5-6 of those things undone, still on the list?! BOO!

I'm changing my answer. 

Tonight has been full fledged, all hands on deck (in my brain) reflection. 
Reflection on: 
What is my priority in life right now?  
Am I able to match what I say my priority is and what my actions are on a day to day basis? 
(can you?! It's a big question)
Because as I reflect....I can't. 
What I would say matters most to me, is not where my time is when you break down my day to day activities. 
That there leads me to going to bed feeling defeated. Guilty. Sad at times. 

That is the source of some stress and feelings I am working though right now. (growing is hard but I am sure worth they say)

I am re-answering the hypothetical question: 
If an anonymous check showed up for like $20,000, what would you really do with it?

My answer is much simpler now. 

"I would put in a savings account to put towards monthly bills and cut my hours at work, just slightly so I could be home when the kids get home from school."

That's it. 

That would be life changing. 

That right there is the thing my dreams are made of. 

I can live without the dishwasher. Disney. Pretty siding...nah. I'm good. 

Working full time evenings are just overwhelming. There is about a 2 to 2.5 hour window to cook supper, eat supper, do homework, take baths, read books, and gee I don't know maybe talk or play(crazy concept) before its bed time. It just isn't enough. 

Real life.
I got home from work a little late around 6 which left us about an hour and half to do the above mentioned tasks before starting the time for bed discussion.

Benson needed a bath.
Kadence still wanted to read with me, her new super great, library book 
(about smiling coincidentally) 
and Cohen really wanted me to hear what he had learned on his brand new trumpet adventure.

I was in a good mood so I thought I was handling it like a Pro...Cohen go down stairs and practice and I will be down after Benson's bath to hear what you learned. Kadence bring your book in the bathroom as I am just sure Benson would love to hear it as much as I would. 

Thinking I had this mastered we moved forward. I cannot even tell you how this evolved but at one point I looked up and it was of those out of body experiences...where you can see whats going on around you and you aren't part of it. All I could think was "get me my camera" because I'm pretty sure we are on a comical sitcom right now!
Benson was screaming.
Kadence was reading out loud.
Cohen was blowing his trumpet.
I wish I could give you an estimate of how long this was all happening before I realized it
but honestly, I can't. 

Real life.

No one benefited from that. 
That there was multitasking to an unhealthy level.

That there is also...

It all needed "done"
So I guess that's success?
It's done. 


It leaves me pondering tonight, if its that important to me, how can I make that happen in real life and not a hypothetical game discussion.  There is no $20,000. If not every night some nights?  Can I shift my mornings to make the evenings look different? Can we cut different corners?
Surely there's got to be a way. 
My thoughts are brewing. I have some processing to do. 
I feel good.
I think it was past time to stop "talking" and start "doing" 
No one can change my life but me.

I think I need to think about this. 
I'm not accepting "it is what it is" 

"Its not an issue of wants vs needs. It's an issue of wants vs priorities"~Munson