Thursday, November 20, 2014

empty yesterdays

I'm struggling lately.
I'm not keeping up
at home
or work.
There is a difference between quality and doing enough to get by.
Lately I have been, in my opinion, doing enough to get by.
I feel like I'm failing.
I know in reality I am not failing,
but it feels like I'm failing.

There's not enough time. 

"Sometimes it feels like I'm not enough, like I want to give so much but my reserves are low.That's part of loving too though...making it through the empty spots and finding ways to replenish the good." ~Kelly Hampton

The quote sort of spoke to me. A description if you will of my inner processing this week.

The reserves are low.
The warning light is on.
I need to find a way to reconnect with what really important.

The other day someone remarked "you're such a good mom"
Am I?
None of us really know if we "nailed"this parenting thing until, well, until it's too late, because every mom I've met is doing their best.
There are days that I am the mom I want to be,
but lately there have been more of the days where I know I am unable to meet all 3 of their needs.
Benson's not sleeping at night.
He was. Yes, all night.
However the last 2 months he is up almost every night.
Some say we should let him cry it out.
Re-Train him to self sooth.
In the deepest corners of my heart I fear its because
he's not getting enough from me.
He needs more... love.

Let's be honest evenings around here are not always filled with "love."
By the time I get home from work, we need to jump right into preparing supper.
Don't get me started.
We have maybe an hour between supper and bath/bed prep time.
In that hour I need to meet Cohen's need for one on one homework support,
Kadence's NEED for someone to see her. Someone to listen. Someone to pay attention.
Benson's need for a responsive caregiver. Someone to respond.


I can't do it.
I can't meet all of their needs.

I tuck them in at night knowing it wasn't enough. 
Vowing to try my best to better tomorrow.

Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. ~The Music Man

I went to a conference last week,Nebraska's Prevention Summit. The focus was on strengthening families.  One tidbit that a speaker shared was the rule of 9.
The most important 9 minutes are: 
The first 3 mins after waking up.
The first 3 mins after walking in the door after school/work.
The last 3 mins before falling asleep. 
.......and 9 minutes of meaningful conversation.

Those are honestly some of the most stressful 9 mins in this house. 
This week I have intentionally targeted those 9 minutes. 
Little changes. 
Big results.


That's the hope.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

maximum capacity

My goodness, I am really starting to question my mental state lately. The irony is when I was the social worker at the nursing home I was responsible for administering the mini mental screener to assess for long and short term memory loss. At this point I am not sure I could "pass" it!

Right now you want to're just busy
or perhaps the just have a lot going on
or even the...welcome to the club...sentiment
but before you say anything perhaps I should share more.

Enter into evidence

Exhibit 1
A few weeks ago:
I volunteered to create the snack list for 1st grade.
I made the list.
I assigned the dates for who brings snack and when.
 I made the list.
I picked the dates.

Fast forward to me driving to parent teacher conferences on a Wednesday
On my way there I think, crap was it my week for snack? I am going to feel like a jack ass if it was my week and I made the list.  As I pull into the parking lot I remember "that's right I know I didn't give myself this week because it was a short week of school. I am in the clear! It must be next week that's mine.  For some reason I feel compelled to tell the above story to the teachers at conferences....

Fast forward to Monday Night (conferences were on Wednesday)
Kadence pulls a note from her back pack "Just a reminder this is your week."
That just happened.
I made the list. I assigned the dates. I told the story on Wednesday about how stupid I would have felt had I missed my week...........and then come Monday,
I had worked late that Monday so by the time I got home and got the note, which meant the class needed snacks for the next day, Tuesday, the grocery store in Shelby was closed already. At 7pm Monday night Kadence and I drove to Osceola to get snacks for Tuesday and then after work Tuesday I would grab the snacks for the rest of the week.
Lets talk about Tuesday.
The biggest thing on Tuesday's list.
Get snack for the rest of the week! Right?
Tuesday comes.
I go to work.
I go home.
No snack.
That's right. I forgot to get the snacks......again!
What the hell?!

I put it in my calendar on my phone for Wednesday.
Stop at store.
Buy snack for rest of week.
Shit got done thanks to that 30 min reminder message.
(Oh and on Wednesday morning daycare said that Benson needed more diapers, so I thought to myself I will grab those at the store when I get snack. Repeat to self: You need 2 things. Diapers and Snacks. When you go to the store you need 2 things. ok)
Bought snacks. Check. Was there something else? I don't think so.....
I swear I'm losing it.

I think multi-tasking has reached its peak and if one new thing must go "in" then something goes "out" There is room for no more.

In case you need more lets look at Exhibit 2

Just this week:
I think I want soup for lunch from somewhere.
I think about which establishments sell soup.
I ponder my choices and decide I will stop at Subway quick and get a sandwich and cup of soup.
While waiting in line I read my soup choices for the day.
I am happy to see that it is the soup I wanted!
Woo Hoo good thing I picked subway for soup today.
Today IS  MY DAY!
I leave subway with....
a sandwich, chips, and a bottle of water.
That's right.
No soup.
Not until I reach the van do I think.......crap I went there for soup! 
The only reason I stopped there was for soup!
Then I was completely disappointed in myself. Boo. Chips. guh.

I could go on.
However at some point its embarrassing and bit concerning.
I'm not sure what to do.
I think I've done lost it.
If I hit the lottery, that I don't play, I'm taking a long vacation!!