Sunday, July 12, 2015

Welcome home

Take Vacations.

That's what I said on Facebook anyways.
Tonight I sit here exhausted yet unable to sleep.
Something deep inside stirring.

I think its for the fact that for a couple days I could shut it all out,
...........and it worked.

For a few days I disconnected from my daily life and trying not to sound too cheesy, reconnected with not only my kids but with the mom I always thought that I would be, but some how in the day to day task of living, no surviving, she gets lost. Tangled up.
It and it felt lighter.
It felt good.
It home.
(not home in sense of the location "home" but on a deeper level, like this, this is who I am. home)

I read a book.
No actually I read 3 books.
Somehow in between riding roller coasters, flying down water slides, swimming and the million "watch me's" I also got lost in a book.

You know the last time I read a book for fun?
Me neither.
I am thinking it was  merely 3+ years ago (How is that possible?!). It really isn't that significant of thing except when I think back to who I used to be, to the things that defined me. Reading was always one of them. I read all the time. It's the one activity that I would have put in the "hobby" column, a column that sits empty now. I had forgotten how it feels to get lost in a story. A momentary escape from reality. How,why, when did I stop doing simple things I love. How does that happen?
I know the answer is busy. It happens.
Every day. Everything from work to the kids,.....all demanding my time, my energy, my focus, one can only muster up so much in a days time....
but that's how it happens....
tick tock...
and one day you wake up and you've lost yourself.

It's funny (for lack of better word) one would think the older you get, life's journey become clearer, but for me it only seems to get more muddled. There are moments when I feel I know right where I've been and right where I am headed and yet there are moments when I don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm not ok with that. I see how quickly my kids are growing up and how much there is that I want to teach them, no better yet, show them.  If I can't define myself, how will I guide them in this process of growing up and defining themselves? In the end isn't that our role as parents, above all else, we are shaping who they are, how they view the world, and whether we want to face it or not,  we lay the foundation for how they define their lives.

I was struck yesterday (last day of vacation, which means I had totally let go of all to do lists in real life) by the weight of a simple phone call. It was astronomical, and not in a good way, how a simple unexpected phone call brought it all back. I couldn't shake it after that. I tried, but it was too late. Reality was creeping back in....

Welcome home.