Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I can't sleep

To do this "the drop off" once is heart breaking.....
to do it twice is....

What is asked of me tomorrow, will take every ounce of me.

I will hand my baby to a stranger
and walk away.
Walk away with blind trust that she will not only feed and change him,
but cuddle him
smile at him,
sooth him,
love him.......

and I don't know if I can do it.

I really don't know.

I first said here that the pick up is the unspoken worse  but I fear tomorrow the
drop off is gonna be rough.

She is a stranger to my baby.
She is a stranger to...me.

So stop telling me "it will be fine."
You don't know that.
Stop telling me "it will work out."
because we won't know that...
until it's either working out or too late,
At the expense of an innocent soul without a voice.

My classic coping mechanism has kicked in...
don't go to bed
because that only means tomorrow will come.

...eventually I will have to succumb to the night and I will sleep with Benson's blanket
(as I did with the other kids but didn't admit out loud) so he can have the safety
and security of our familiar scent and bond for as long as possible tomorrow....