Monday, January 22, 2018

be still my soul


I am not sure about anyone else but we needed a snow day...

Drift by our garage
so thank you mother nature!
Well done!
We all camped out in the basement living room last night....
...because I just needed them close. 



A favorite quote kept coming to mind today.....




Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.




Let me learn from you,
love you, 
bless you before you depart. 



Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. 


Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.


One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, 



more than all the world, your return.                               *Mary Jean Irion








Saturday, January 20, 2018

Nobody knows how to say goodbye



Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Fix you Cold Play


Nobody knows how to say goodbye
It seems so easy 'til you try
Then the moments passed you by
Nobody knows how to say goodbye

Nobody knows Lumineer
Nobody Knows Lumineer

If you had a glimpse into our home this week,
either of these songs would have served as our theme song.
Sad thing though.
We are not a made for tv show and we can't shut it off and walk away.

No one is prepared for tragedy so when it comes knocking it can quickly shatter your reality.

Cohen and his class lost a friend and classmate Sunday in a tragic accident.
You can read more about her here: Kimmee


I sit here tonight in silence.

I need to process the conversations held in the dark ....when sleep wouldn't come.
I need to process the visitation tonight.
I need to process seeing my son and his classmates signing the casket of their friend.
I need to process how life is so fleeting.
I need to process a parent's worse nightmare.
I need to process questions asked that have no answers.
I need to process the pain I've seen in all their faces knowing...I can't fix this.
I need to process the funeral tomorrow.
I need to process....


Maybe there are lessons that come in life, that we aren't ready for.
Maybe that's ok.

I don't want to live every day in fear of what may happen next. I don't want to be on guard all the time for the next bad thing. One cannot be prepared for tragedy. If you are always waiting for the shoe to drop, are you really living at all?  Are you really living your life?

This will forever be etched in Cohen's (and all his classmates') story.
In 5, 10, 20, 30 years when his path crosses with loss again...this week will have become of part of who he is and how he responds.

A boy in his class asked "When I cried on Monday, did I look weak?" so many thoughts wanted to pour out of my mouth but with God's wisdom I only replied with "How did you respond?" He was quiet and said "No. I wish I would have cried more. This is really hard."
I overheard another boy tonight saying, "I tried not to cry but then Mr. Jurgensen asked me if I was ok and gave me a hug and I couldn't help it. I lost it."
When did they learn it wasn't ok to cry? How did that happen?! 



This is hard. This is tragic.
This is awful.
This is real..
.and it hurts.

This week has set the stage. That seems extra overwhelming to me.

As I watched his class together tonight, crying and laughing...I couldn't help but see something I hadn't noticed before, a closeness, a bond.  I sit here tonight praying for a few things that his little class, including Jaimee can hold on to, take with them and forever be a part of who they are.....

1. You only get one life.  Don't live in fear but don't squander the gift of life you've been given. None of us know when our story ends. 

2. Never forget the power of friendship. Listen. Answer the hard questions. Show up. Your friends are who will be there when it seems the world has stopped turning and you don't know which way is up. 

3. Sometimes you will feel weak. Vulnerable. Sometimes life is damn hard. That doesn't mean you are weak. That means you are real. Don't run from this. Let your friends help you. Let them help you. Reinvest in your faith. Use these moments to ground you. 

4. Back to Cold Play...but....lights will guide you home. Literally, home is your base...but more than that, man I pray we have laid a foundation. I pray in a more figurative way ....because I know life is hard and I know another day is going to come that you are lost....unable to breath and broken....I pray that we have given you the skills, the faith, the strength, the foundation...that when you're "lost" that foundation will be the light that guides you home.... Back to you. 


A discussion with classmates centered around not knowing what to do....I don't know the answer. 
Is there an answer?
You didn't do enough.
You tried to do too much. 
I personally think the only answer is this:
Sometimes in life horribly hard things happen...
and the only thing you really can do is.... 
show up. 

Just be willing to show up,
the rest will sort itself out. 

Tomorrow is going to be hard for so many....
                              
Nobody really knows how to say goodbye. It seems so easy 'til you try.....




Monday, June 26, 2017

Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard.

"Taking step is easy.
Standing still is hard."  
~Regina Spektor

The start of summer is always filled with anticipation and adrenaline.

The first month of summer is nonstop.
Monday night practice, Tuesday night 2 games, 2 different locations, Wednesday night work late, Thursday night 2 games, 2 different locations, Friday night and Saturday more games, more travel, more schedules to arrange and bags to pack and Monday it starts all over again. Week after week. 
It's been 13-14 hours a day, between work and kids for a month. 
I'm not sure if  I'm running on adrenaline anymore. 
I'm not sure what i'm running on...
Empty most likely. {insert tired mom laugh here}
Logically. 

The funny thing is when we finally get a free night or a free weekend in midst of the chaos we don't know what to do. Hence the taking steps is easy. Standing still is hard, quote above. 

That's one of, or more likely, my biggest motivation for writing down a summer bucket list.
I want us to be intentional...
                                             and not get lost in the chaos. 

As simple and easy as that sounds.
It's a hard task for me. 

I get caught up in the chaos. 

We had a completely unscheduled weekend.
No schedules to arrange.
No bags to pack. 

The chaos that was calling was....
...the laundry
...the unmopped, for like a month, kitchen floor
..the piles of unpacked bags.

I can't put my finger on how but the weekend ended up jump starting our summer bucket list. 
Friday night became a girls' night out and  I laughed like I haven't laughed in a really long time. 
Saturday night at the last, late minute, we ended up going to a street dance.
It wasn't until we paid to get in,
got the kids a pop,
watched the band walk on,
fire up the lights and fog machine,
did I realize...my kids have Never seen a band.

What!?

Wait. 

That was a bucket list item, missed!
Kadence did some dancing in the street!
While,
Benson could not stop staring. 
He was fascinated. 
I could not stop watching my kids,
watch a real live band.
I know I got some looks for having a 4yr old at a street dance, 
but bring it on. 
It was....
               magic. 

(Well the carrying a sleeping 4 yr old from the street dance because it was ridiculously late, to my sister's house part, wasn't so much magic. It was little more hips burning, back burning, arms burning because he was dead weight...so much dead weight that his cowboy boots fell off his feet, which required me to figure out how to pick them up and carry them too. That part was a little less magic and a little more brutal survival)




Sunday leads to...Monday and right back into the chaos we took a break from this weekend. I had planned on staying home,
knocking somethings off the to do list. 

I had an item on the summer bucket list last year that we did not accomplish.
At lunch I decided...today was the day.

...because again,
Taking steps is easy.
Standing still is hard.

I needed to"stand still."
Just be.



At lunch we took off fairly on a whim for the Dark Island Trail south of Central City. 
It was either going to be a hit or an epic fail. 



It was a perfect day outside for it and we totally took in all it had to offer!
This wooden bridge was so long! 



 It's all free people! 
That's the thing.
We had a beautiful day together..
and it was free!

Our kids don't always need "fancy"
We don't always need "Disney" level of events.
We feel pressured somehow, which is crazy, to give our kids these huge vacations and I'll admit I get jealous listening to other people's elaborate vacation/summer plans. I so do. Ugh. 

In the end,
They need us. 

That's it.

Sometimes we need to see all the things that are right in front of us!




..which today included a hidden, worn out, unofficial trail down to the river
that of course, the boys spotted with little effort. 


This was
summer.

I could have chosen to stay with "taking steps is easy"
and finished the to do list and remained on auto pilot
but instead took a gamble on 
"standing still is hard" 
It takes a  conscious effort to stand still in the middle of the chaotic world we live in,

..and man am I glad I did. 

How will you find a way to "stand still" this week?

We, however, are right back to the chaos.
That's ok.
Bring it on.



 I may need a reminder to stop treading water again soon.
Can you do that?

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