Sunday, February 28, 2010

I am a rock star

This is a quote stolen from my most favorite blog...(yes the same one that I stole the last quote from! So sue me I don't get out much and I find her blog fascinating and inspiring and so I go there at night when I should go to bed...but I go there refuel to recharge to get lost in someone's life...)

" The power of the mind.

It's amazing what control we really do have over our thoughts and what tactics we use to control it. Like, seriously, envisioning myself as a rock star really makes me think I am one! And to tell myself everyday that I am going to rock this day out. Even when I want to cry and stay in bed. Usually the more down and out I am the more I rock it out. It's all the crap in life....just rock it out."

As I gaze out at the week ahead of me (and quite possibly the next two weeks) they appear from here, tonight, to be as daunting as the previous week. I will admit my first reaction was to start to succumb to the overwhelming stress that appears to want to hang around my home/work for awhile. Tomorrow when I wake up (yes it will be 5 am, yes I will be driving to Columbus to go to Omaha...but by God I am going to do it in ROCK STAR fashion!)

In college my friends and I had a catch phrase "the power of positive thinking" When times were getting stressed or someone was feeling down or overwhelmed all it took was for one person to bring up "the power of positive thinking," which would in just a short time bring everyone to laughter because of course the conversation didn't stop there, we would go on and on making up silly one liners about how "positive" the situation really was!

My attempt at the power of postive thinking for this week:
Who wouldn't want to watch the sun come up. Am I right?!
Todd and Tyler. HILLARIOUS in the morning! Really I am lucky to get to listen to them for hours tomorrow morning!
I'm packing snacks. Oh yeah baby chocolate and starburst jelly beans maybe even a capachino by 7am. Who wouldn't want to be me really?
People want to be me. I am a rock star!
By going to Columbus, I get to ride with Lisa. Is there anything left to say after that! huh! I don't think so! I am a little rusty here... Megan? Are you reading this? Megan?! Help?!?!

So I am a rock star, I AM a rock star, I am a ROCK star.... and Tomorrow I am gonna rock it out like no other!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

This is life.

I feel as if I may have a bit of a target on my back this week. Sometimes I wonder; Do you think God has a sense of humor? Like does he think of "tests" and then think "oh yeah that's a good one, lets try that and see how she responds?! Hmm Let Me see how far I can push her this time."

When I signed up for this job of "full time working mom" no one ever said that
sometimes it would hurt.
sometimes it won't be fair.
sometimes you will want to run away.
sometimes you will cry.
sometimes you will think you've had too much.
sometimes you won't be able to kiss away the "owies"
sometimes the lines between work and home will be blurry

Cohen and I ventured to Lincoln this afternoon to take our "pretty girl" to see the ENT (again). I knew on Monday that her tympanogram was flat and that her hearing would be affected until we could resolve the fluid in her ears. I was not aware that she would actually have her hearing tested today. I also was unprepared how much hearing someone verbalize "she is not hearing within normal limits" would impact me. The normal hearing range is 0-20. Her one ear landed smack on 20 and her other ear was 25, so her hearing is just outside the bounds of normal hearing. Oh pretty girl, I'm sorry. It makes my heart sad to think about the clarity of sound captured in music, conversations, hearing, that she is missing out on.

The doctor and I have decided to put in tubes and remove her adenoids.

Yes let's do it. Let's get her hearing again! That is the beauty here, hopefully when we drain the fluid out of her ears, her hearing will once again be clear.
When can we do it? Tomorrow? (of course not but a mom can try can't she?!)
Yes we scheduled. Yes, I felt a wave of relief!
A sense of calm.
It was going to be okay.
March 10th is not very far away.
We are going to conquer this week.
This week will not bring me down.
It will not define our lives.
We will overcome.

No one ever said when I signed up for this job as "mom" :
*That as a bit of a birthday present to myself on Tuesday I would purchase a Bon Jovi Ticket for the night of March 9th.
*I would make a Bon Jovi "play list" an hour before leaving for the ENT and send it out to some of my bestest friends who were totally going to rock it out with me.

*Only to go to the ENT with my pretty girl and schedule surgery for 7am March 10th. Yes no one ever said it would be fair.

The day was long and the night is mine alone. I am sure I've had enough of this life this week. Sometimes everything is wrong......but I hold on.

I hold on to the "little" things like this:
*Cohen exceeded my expectations today. We were at the doctor's office for about an hour and a half. I caught myself glancing over at him today as he sat quietly in a chair, in the dark, watching Kadence's hearing test, his eyes full of love and concern for his sister. I sat in awe of my son.
He was so grown up today.
When the hearing test had concluded he sat next to his sister and touched her cheek and said "You did good pretty girl. You did good."

Yes, no one said it would be fair, but I wouldn't trade it for the world!!

I would not trade one crazy~stressful~overwhelming~moment this week if it meant I would have missed out on witnessing that beautiful moment between a big brother and his little sister. No I wouldn't trade it for the world! This is life. This is what I signed up for.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My mantra for tonight!

"Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
*how many times shall I reread this so it sinks in and is effective?!*

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

What happened to the butterflies and rainbows of Sunday?

Overwhelmed is not even the correct description for my mind right now. Could someone please press rewind and take me back to Sunday!

I am going to just try to put all the "I need to do that tomorrow" thoughts and reminders out of my mind and on to paper (so to speak)in whatever order they shoot out in.....

*Get the pork roast out of the freezer to put in for supper tomorrow night because Mark has to work and is on nights this week. (this is important because then Mark can eat supper before he leaves at 6pm, when we walk in the door at 5:40ish. Also important because making supper is one of our more stressful times of the day and add in the chaos of Mark leaving and crock pot is really the only way to survive)
***REMEMBER to actually put it in the crock pot tomorrow (because trust me there have been a few incidents where I seem to forget this important step)

*Type the IFSP that has to be mailed no later than tomorrow.
*When I get to work remember to call the team and cancel the other meeting that was scheduled for tomorrow.
*Check on the waiver application Lynn faxed into the central office for me this morning.
* Call and follow up on the referral that left a message.
*Right away in the morning I need to remember to call and get the signature pages open and ready for the other meeting tomorrow.
***Seriously didn't I tell myself I was going to do better at that this year and not wait until the day of the meeting to get those pages open! Ugh Jennifer!

*Put in a request for vacation time to use on Thursday as the ENT can get Kadence in for an appointment in Lincoln on Thursday afternoon * yes tubes AGAIN* Maybe see if anyone else has been to this dr. as the one we used last time is on a mission trip somewhere!

*Oh yeah send out Cohen's bday invites that is really only 2 weeks away *Seriously how did that get so close already. Didn't I mean to send those a couple weeks ago?!?!
***Call and price the bowling ally for a birthday party. Every day we drive by New world Inn and cohen says "I want a swim party for my birthday and all along I have said SURE let's do it." Now if Kadence gets tubes as she should in the next couple weeks she won't be able to go swimming the week of or the week right after! So plan "Convince Cohen how fun bowling would be" commences, because he really wanted to go swimming so I doubt a party at home will cut it!

* Yes, yes I probably better do that before sending the invites, that technically should have been sent a week ago.

*When are those ballots coming for the school district merger vote?

*Oh crickies what am I going to do with the kids next week on Monday and Tuesday as I have a conference in Omaha........ugh.seriously I can't figure that out today can I?! Mark will be at work those days. Great. Is that this Monday already? really! No is it? Yup, yes it is. Okay. Hmm Omaha by 8 am...Daycare in Columbus. Mark at work. Preschool at 8:30 on Monday.....well I deal with that tomorrow I guess. Yes, yes tomorrow. Seems to me I need a plan for that one. Man why didn't I do that sooner than now?!?!?

*When will they schedule to put the tubes in? Will that be next week? How am I going to work that one into the week? How much money will we need to put up front at the hospital?? we are kind of at their mercy to schedule the surgery. What if they schedule it for a day that Mark is working? Short notice. Probably can't get it off. Then what, do it anyways, go without dad. Try scheduling for a different day. How long can we really let Kadence go with fluid and a flat tympanogram (again)?

*Do I need Valentines for the party Sunday? Great really do I? Will we have time to make anything and go for the "ahh what a great mom you are moment." Cause surely I can only be a good mom if I make really cute valentines right?! OR Buy something. Maybe. but then get the "oh you're one of those moms" moment. I don't want to be the mom that comes with a packet of fun dip, when everyone else has cute bags, with trinkets and curly ribbon. But then again, why does it matter?
***Am I the only one that feels this pressure here...(not just with Valentines) but with all the silly holidays and occasions.....I mean really do we need to "top"each other. Can't we just be moms. Maybe the unspoken competition (between moms) I created in my own head and I'm the only one stuck in the "battle" so to speak. Okay move on from that loaded thought, leave it for a topic for another date

Wow Okay what did that have to do with Valentines...I may just plug those thoughts right into the topic "tangents" An area where I seem to get in trouble! =)

*Did I tell Mark about the Bon Jovi concert? I do not recall. Yes better do that tomorrow.
***I should make a playlist of Bon Jovi music to brush up before the concert so I can really rOcK

*Oh yeah call and follow up with the peds clinic that they sent Kadence's med recs to Lincoln for her appt Thursday and call and get directions to where I am going in Lincoln (for the 2nd time this week)

*Buy diapers and maybe milk, otherwise I will be stopping again on thursday to get milk. Oh no that just reminded me that I STILL need to get Kadence's preventative antibiotics from Walgreens (yes admission of bad parenting, but I really haven't had ANY opportunity to get them...short of driving back to Columbus tonight after getting home from Grand Island or having had to drive from Lincoln to Columbus Monday night and back home. Yes excuses and yes, no gold star for me)

*Get the creative brain thinking for our web page design meeting tomorrow morning

Okay in about 10 mins I have managed to deplete all the "need to do" thoughts that are piling up in my head. I am sure they are no different than yours and really not all that special or significant, but hey this is my blog so these are my "to do's" and as I sit here finishing this up I feel much calmer than I did when I began typing this. We all have busy lives these days don't we?! It seems like there will be days or weeks that float on by, smoothly and there are weeks like these that come ripping in like the winds we have had lately!

So to summarize......the sun and butterflies, the magical pixies and rainbows from Sunday are so far gone today! Instead Monday started in the trenches of mud and muck and I think I am stuck for awhile.

*For those of you who would like follow up: The clothes are STILL on the little couch in the living room and notice that didn't even MAKE the to do list, neither did the sticky spot on the floor that my sock stuck to earlier or the fact that in my "tantrum" today I dumped everything out of Kadence's dresser and now everything is just shoved~crammed back~sort of~mostly~in there!! How sad is that!

So I ask again, will someone please rewind me back to Sunday?!

"Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency." ~Natalie Goldberg

*I do believe that captures the truth don't you!?*

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Treasure this normal day

"Normal day let me be aware of the treasure you are.Let me Learn from you

Love you

bless you, before you depart.

Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may,

For it may not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky.....

and want more than all the world, your return."

If you are returning to read my blog, yes I did just share this quote in my last post, but if you are returning I want you to read it again.........and again...........and again.

Today, today I said to myself that I was just going to live in the moment. I am just going to BE. Just be. . .

Do what the kids do, capture their everyday world. (even if that's an "accident.")

There are moments that pass by that I think "I wish I could capture that {smile, laugh, scowl, outfit etc}" So today I challenged myself to do just that, treasure this normal day.

To say Yes when I usually say no.

To Learn from it.

Love it.
Feel blessed because I lived it.

To Hold on to this normal day with all my might..... because no matter how hard I hold on to this day, time continues to slip away from us.

**Today I realized a few (unprofound things) including; we change clothes a lot (NO WONDER I HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY)!

The kids and I had so much fun today. I followed their every move, how fun to see the world at their level. Yes today was a good day. Yes the laundry remains piled on my couch, so if you stop by it will probably remain there until next Saturday and today I am just going to be okay with that because my kids and I lived today.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Some rare and perfect tomorrow.

This quote is on my most favorite blog in the whole wide world right now, and I love it. It moved me, just as it moved the author of the other blog.

It says so much to me as a mom, as someone who gets caught up in the planning and the anticipation and the stress and the looking forward.

I frequently find myself getting sucked into worrying about what's next that I miss the here and now! (Thoughts on a typical Saturday in my house: I have to get the laundry done today 'cause I have to do this and this on Sunday and then I have a meeting Monday night so I need to get supper planned because we'll get home late, and then Mark works Tuesday night so I....and on and on)

I hate that part of me sometimes. I have such a hard time stopping and just BEING in the here and now!!! I will try. I have said to myself..."Today I am going to sit down and play hot wheels for as long as Cohen wants to play hot wheels." and about 3 mins into that I am up and switching laundry or picking up some crumbs off the floor and off to the trash can, only to get sucked into another task. This is hard for me......

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the Earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Game on.

The war paint is on today (hmm not only today, but all week with the school board meeting and Foster care Review board meeting and doing my taxes and now today.)

I feel like I am entering a meeting today that is more of a "war" than a meeting.

This morning was preparation:

1. Carefully choose the right clothes, professional, confident, strong but not "better than you" outfit.

2. Apply the war paint (aka: make up)

3. Rehearse. Rehearse. Rehearse. Key Points. Debate what to take head on and what to let go.

4. Stew and drive myself crazy all morning, until it is over!

5. Accurately hand pick "war" music for the car. (Music sets the stage ya know...where the heck is my kid rock cd!?!)

I am usually fairly passive. I avoid confrontation. I don't like to "fight." I would put myself under the label of "passive/aggressive." Not that it is a good trait to have, but I am what I am. Anyone want to comment on that, go ahead, today is your day, My war paint is on!

Verbal confrontations are hard for me. I don't think quick enough of the things that need to happen and be said. I usually think of something REALLY good to say....... about the time I am getting home!

Okay I am going to leave for the "battlefield" hope I come back "victorious!"

Well I just stumbled upon this quote "Don't fight a battle if you don't gain anything by winning."~Erwin Rommel

That has peaked my interest and perplexed my motives......hmm. I shall reflect as I drive my way to a possible battlefield. What is winning in this scenario? I really am not sure of that answer. It is one of those lose/lose situations for everyone involved. perplexing?!

Disclaimer: I did warn you in my very first post that many many thoughts circle my mind and sometimes I can't guarantee they will make sense to anyone but me, but at least by typing them they may stop circling my mind!

Hours later: Addendum: War has so many levels! Mark was off work all day today. "War time" started when I called and said "could you start supper we're running late?" and he said "no you can do it when you get home." "oh no you didn't! You're home. ALONE. Start supper." I'll spare your ears and mind the rest of the get the point. Enter the house aka "the battlefield" and supper was ready. He had started it before I even called to ask...but in his words "I just like to get you going!"

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." ~Jimi Hendrix

Monday, February 15, 2010

Out of body Experience =)

"It's not whether you really cry, it's whether the audience thinks you are crying"~ Ingrid Bergman

Okay did that just happen?

Yes the school board ended up in a tie vote and it is moving to a "straw" vote of the public, okay I am thinking did that just happen about that too........but what I am really addressing is.....DID I just start crying while I was addressing the school board?!?!?!?
Was that me? I'm not a crier! AND in public?! By God I better go get my hormones checked, what is going here?! I had no intention of speaking to the board tonight. None. They know how I feel. I've said my piece the last six months, also summed up in a letter mailed last week.....but the draw and the temptation to speak was so strong, as they went down the line and each person would stand and say their "thoughts."
So I got SUCKED in.....sucked in to speaking and then there were tears. *sigh*

"I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying."~Amborella Oltre

Sunday, February 14, 2010

the way to a girl's heart

Aww it's valentines day......I wanted to share my "surprise."

Mark went to great lengths to surprise me this year for Valentine's day (although a bit early
cause it was Friday).
I desire to leave you in suspense but am not sure how to capture that on a blog =)
Many days the romance is gone ya know what I mean?!

So to my amazement when I got home from work, Mark had installed a new toilet! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY he said with pride in his eyes! Yes I got a toilet for Valentines! Yes I got a toilet and it was great!
I not only got the toilet, but he also installed the toilet, Friday while I was at work. Really what better gift is there? A home improvement project finished without having to "nag" and without having to help! ahhhh the way to my heart. A toilet! =) I am not sure what the implies about me and my life...that this makes me happy, but it does, so I guess who cares! Imply away!
Life is good. I got a toilet.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."~ Marcel Proust

Friday, February 12, 2010

Too beautiful for Earth....

"An angel in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for Earth."

I pause as I need to click "publish this post........."

I have pondered for quite some time, how much of my soul to share. Do I post what has been on my mind for a few weeks....or let it pass quietly in my heart alone? I think I am going to dive in, get my feet wet....maybe just maybe free my heart. Oh normally in my life, I take the safe route, don't share too much.....but today, today, I'm gonna fall.......for a moment. I just want a moment to fall, but then I'll get back up again. Can I have that?

Valentines Day......ahh so many thoughts, but the loudest voice inside is yelling. I should be throwing a Baby's FIRST birthday party this weekend. Should, could, would have, but am not. Will a day come that I don't think that? When does a mother's heart let go??? WHEN?? Is it silly to connect so much, to have dreamt so much in only a few weeks?

Let me back up....for my sake as well as yours.....When Kadence was only about 3 months old I got pregnant. Little shocking. Little unexpected. Lots of tears, but at 5 weeks I had an emotional, crazy, last minute, snuck in the back door,need to be leaving for Sidney for family pictures, ultrasound, and sure enough there was a little baby in there, heart beat and all....
I look at my eyes in this picture. Taken the day after that first ultrasound, oh the worry that filled my heart that day. If only I would have known I was worrying about ALL the wrong things!

The moment we find out we're pregnant we are dreaming (aren't we all?) we start making plans, who will sleep where, will they be friends as they grow up, they'll be so close in age,boy what are people going to say when we tell them?, how will Cohen handle it? Girl or boy? many thoughts and dreams start the moment you know you are carrying life inside....

At 12 weeks we went in for an ultrasound. I knew. I knew before we got there. I don't why I knew, but I knew. I wouldn't say it outloud, didn't tell anyone, but I knew. My heart knew but I didn't want to listen....... I only had to see the dr's face for a second, when he turned the ultrasound on and I knew the world was going to come crashing down. Those were the longest 2( I can't even remember how long it was between my ultrasound and the d&c, was it 2 days, 3? It is so blurry now...all runs together in a haze) What does a person do then? when they send you home? "Go home and wait" They say...They sent me home, carrying my child whose heart stopped beating? My child who was dead, was IN ME....she was IN ME.
Stop for a moment, close your eyes and feel that. To know that your child,who once grew and thrived inside you, has died, has died yet remains in go home and wait...does a person go to work? Does a person lay at home and cry? How does a person care for a 5 month and a 4 yr old? When breathing seems like too much??? How does life go on around you? That I must admit was a low point in my life. Those 2-3 days were like living in my own personal torture chamber........

Crazy how in the matter of 6 weeks I could shed so many tears...first tears of "What a baby???!!! I can't have a baby? I have a baby! How will we manage??!!.......that quickly turned to tears of "WHAT NO BABY???? I HAVE TO have a baby! HOW WILL we manage?

Somewhere in that 6 weeks something went drastically wrong........

I do believe that every soul comes with a purpose and this baby was no different. I believe that this child of mine was sent to Earth to feel the gift of life, the warmth and love of a mother, but to only experience that in the purest of all never enter this world...this world with pain and heartache. There was never any intention for this baby to come to this crazy place we call home.........what a beautiful gift for a child. Yes I was blessed to give that gift to a child. Even as warm tears run down my cheeks .....I do believe every word of that.

That, that is the philosophical, make myself feel better side( come on who doesn't have two sides!!?) other side says....that sucks. Not fair. We weren't "trying" to have a baby, we weren't "asking" for a baby, so why send us a baby and then take it away.why??????? Oh the nights I have pondered that question.

I hadn't thought about it for awhile, so I suppose some would classify that as good......but it is hard to not imagine life differently. I imagine a baby's 1st bday this weekend. Nicely snuggled right between Kadence's 2nd birthday and Cohen's 5th birthday. A family of 5.....but we are still a family of 4.

It is not raw anymore. The pain and heartache. No the raw pain has subsided. it is more of a longing.....and I have a hard time putting into words what that longing is for. Maybe because I haven't. Put it into words I mean. It's not like anyone says "Hey, when you had the unexpected pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, wasn't your due date Feb 12th, how do you feel about that now??" Not really a conversation starter....

I know that life would be way different and lots more stressful when I REALLY think about the implications of having a 5yr old, 2yr old and 1yr old. no I am at peace with this....I am not sure I could have been a very effective parent.......but yet this longing, this nagging, this emptiness still something is missing. Like we are not complete.

What does that mean? I don' t know............I don't know.

Someone told me, having a child will not replace the soul you lost. True. that is true. But will it make the longing go away? Will it fill the emptiness? Will it complete things in my mind? I really don' know. Will it fill that picture of a family of 5? Or will i always think well then it should have then been a family of 6? I don't know. I don't. So we go on. Because as a mom, as a wife, as a person, we must. We must go on. So I fall, but only for a moment.....for a moment I dream of a face I'll never see, of what life might have been like......for a moment I'll stay here with warm tears dripping down.

Tomorrow I will wake up and move on. Cohen will come in and wake me up and say "is it a stay at home day today?" and I will reassure him it is, he'll be excited and jump in bed...shortly then we'll here "MAMA" Mama out....and Cohen will excitedly announce that Kadence is awake, as we jump out of bed and run in there, Cohen will sing our good morning song and in that moment my heart will find the peace it needs that moment when I get Kadence out of the crib and she rubs Cohen's head, as she does every morning, I will know in my heart that this is my life, as it was meant to be. That I have a very blessed life. This is My very Blessed Life........

"In a baby castle, just beyond your eye,

your baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.

Who are you to wish him back into this world of strife.

No, play on your baby, he'll have eternal life." ~A mother's song

Thursday, February 11, 2010

from the toes........

As we drove home this evening....things were a bit, shall we say, "touchy."

Wheels on the bus...didn't work.

Look at mommy be silly......didn't work.

Yelling "be quiet" (worth a shot right?!).....didn't work.

Promise of a treat when we get home.........didn't work.

Want to see Grandma??........didn't work.

ahh then, there it was, the belly laugh that comes from the toes........roll the window down. Roll the window back up. Yup that was it. Pure laughter......because we rolled the window down and back up, down and back up, down and back up, down and back up.....oh for about 5 miles......

How simple. How beautiful. There is no greater sound than laughter that comes from the toes!

ahhh *sigh*

sweet soul.

Quick post:

Who am I to judge you......that seems to be the resounding theme of my day. I was on the phone with someone talking about a child, no a baby, a tiny soul, whose parents or parent, lost control for a second and did something that will forever alter this child's life.
My first instinct is primal :How could you? It's just a baby, an innocent soul. What were you thinking?! Well OBviously you weren't.......

But who am I to judge them. I have been sleep deprived. I have held an inconsolable child....I can comprehend how child abuse can happen. Hate to admit it. Didn't do it, but I can UNDERSTAND how someone loses control. Doesn't make it right. Doesn't make it better. Doesn't make me feel good about myself.

How quickly we jump to conclusions about quick we are to say "well I would never..." Why do we do that? To feel better about ourselves? I think I feel better about myself if I can say...tell me. Tell me what happened...(without judgement) Wouldn't we both be better off in the long run? Why is that so hard sometimes??

I think that sometimes it is hard to ask for help. I think that sometimes the standards I place on myself, the standards that I think society asks of me as a mom and a wife, are unrealistic. I think if I don't live up to those standards, I'm not good enough. I think that is a recipe for disaster if you think like me! Is that what hinders us from asking for help....judgement?

It is not just this conversation today but others....where it crossed my mind. Who am I to judge their decisions, their choices, their life?
Until you are walking their path, you can never know what choice you would make.

"Shelfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live" ~Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Make sure it is worth watching!

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching."

I have always had this running bucket list I my head.
It seems to circle around in my thoughts and I find myself saying "Oh yeah I want to do that someday." "oh yeah that too." "oh that is so my wish." "someday"
So maybe it is time to formalize that bucket list and put it in writing. I am kind of nervous about putting it in writing. Why is that? Does it make it more real to put your dreams (Small and Big)on paper? All I know is I feel nervous?! So in no particular order:

1. Go to Tahiti and stay in one of those little huts that sit right over the ocean.

2. ski diving

3. Ride the tallest, fastest rollarcoaster

4. Make a difference. Somehow change the world for better.

5. Mechanical Bull riding (but I can cross that one off thanks to this fall!) woo hoo

6. Try doing Foster care

7. Learn Photography

7b) Use that new skill to capture the beautiful everyday moments with my kids and hopefully

my grand kids some day

8. Go on a mission trip (building houses or schools or something..getting my hands dirty)

9. Take ball room dance lessons (hmm not sure I'll get Mark in on that one...)

10. Work along side BRUCE PERRY!!!!!!!!
10a) which would mean..get my Masters and start a parent/child dyadic therapy center
here in Columbus, which means maybe I should work with the Tulane research center
for a bit too.....oh the dreams.

11. See my Successful adults, parents,

Okay so that is kind of short isn't it?! Hmm. I wonder if there is a way to keep this as a running list somewhere on here that I can update as thoughts come and go......Oh I just thought of one that I am so not sure I can put in writing.....ha, I just laughed out loud and I am all alone!! Oh that makes it sound REALLY bad doesn't it. Okay I am going back to add it in as #12......I can't get arrested for just putting it on my list can I?! =)

12. Smoke Pot (I KNOW. I know! Okay! okay. I always just said "no"..that should make my mom happy right! But now I feel like I missed out on just trying, ya know the experience of youth, I was always so worried.....well ya never know, maybe some day I will need it for medicinal purposes right??!??!!) Okay judge if you want but it's MY list!

Whew Okay that was putting it out there. I feel free. Hmm. It is good to dream big and small. I like this. It makes me feel alive.......I wasn't expecting that.
Sometimes as a mom, a wife, an employee, a sister, a friend.....I feel like I lose me...who am I, what do I want for ME...not my kids, not my husband...but just for me. There is always so much to do that I tend to put me aside........this was good. This gives Oh I like! I had no idea this would be so invigorating!

I challenge you to do the same..........what is YOUR list. For YOU. YOUR DREAMS??? Girls it is time to dream......

"A person starts dying when they stop dreaming"

Monday, February 8, 2010

tangled web of lies...

A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity-Baltasar Gracian

Who decides what the truth is really? I am irate. I am upset. I am.....I don't even have words for it..... All I can do is keep breathing...... I am caught in a web of lies-not of my telling-but how does one get out of the web that someone else is weaving??! I started to untangle the lies just a smidge on Friday and today I am so tightly wrapped up in this web that I can't breath....How can the hold be so strong? I try to find the truth but end up falling how do I get out? In the mean time things are being said about me professionally that 1. I really don't appreciate and 2. are LIES! This is outside my control (an area that I must admit I don't like! Note to self~and you~I like to be in control~that is for another day)

That being said.......if you are the weaver of do you live with yourself? How do you not get stuck in your own web of lies? How do you keep it straight? What is the payoff for you? What happened that was so terrible in your life that the lies, the secrets, are better than the truth?

Oh no you didn't!
I am speechless. BUT not for long.
Game on.
You wanna play.
Let's play.
You have no idea what you just unleashed.

"The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else." George Bernard Shaw

Sunday, February 7, 2010

the fairytale

I'm aware that I am bordering on over doing my blog.....but I'm full of wonder (and other not so pleasant emotions today)
How can one perfectly lazy day with the kids be followed by today?

Is this what I signed up for?

Is this how days go at other people's houses? One day, confident in my parenting, at ease among the chaos and clutter of my children and the next day leaves me wondering if my children will be successful despite my parenting!

Where is the white picket fence, the sun, the laughter...the fairytale?

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Sometimes pieces of my life fit together with a message that is screaming. A voice within is saying "are you listening? Are you ready?" I don't always know what I am listening for and honestly I am not always ready. That being said. Yesterday was one of those days....I was listening, but I am still not sure what I am ready for.

I came across a blog yesterday that touched the deepest shadows of my heart and within that blog was where I "stole" my title....we come with beautiful secrets.

I recently had a conversation with someone, who choose to share one of her "secrets" and in return I was compelled to share a piece of mine. Among the clatter of plates and forks, of "do you want a refill?", of laughter and conversation, secrets were unleashed.

Secrets that are similar yet very different. Why do we hide all these secrets? Do we all have secrets? If we all have secrets, why do we pretend we don't? Would it be so bad to say hey this is who I am. This is where I have been. This makes Why do we carry so much alone. Am I the only one who has secrets? Am the only one who has a story. Surely not. It may not be a story worth money. It is not a story all that unique from someone elses. But it is mine. My story. Why do we think we are the only ones with secrets?

It all comes together. Who we are. Why we are where we are. The secrets that make

So then I look around at others........friends, family, coworkers. As we laugh, as we cry, as we chat, as we share, I wonder. I wonder more today than I did yesterday. What secrets do you have? What do you carry alone? Why is it so hard to completely open my heart and soul to the world? Why do I hold back? Why do we as people? If I shared mine, would you?

The true secret in all this is not mine. The secret is what could I really offer this world, what could I give to all of you if I gave it all? The secret is so much bigger......than you and me.

"We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls"

We come with purpose. Yes. I so desperately want to know my purpose. Is it yet to come? Has it been accomplished? Will it forever be a beautiful secret? What kind of person does it make me if I don't want it to be a secret. I want to know my purpose. I don't want secrets.

Friday, February 5, 2010

We come with beautiful secrets

We come with beautiful secrets

We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls.

We come to every new morning

With possibilities only we can hold

Redemption comes from strange places, small spaces

Calling out the best of who we are

I want to add to the beauty

To tell a better story........

*I do not know the author

Sometimes thoughts consume my mind, reflections, regrets, reminders.....that in order to feel, well anything, I have to get them out. My tendency is to call family/friends.....but reflecting on that, they may not fully appreciate (smile) having to sort through my randomness in thoughts...A need today arose in me to find a place for those thoughts. A place that doesn't consume my friends/family unless they want to come, to choose to sit awhile and, to float within my mind.