Thursday, November 20, 2014

empty yesterdays

I'm struggling lately.
I'm not keeping up
at home
or work.
There is a difference between quality and doing enough to get by.
Lately I have been, in my opinion, doing enough to get by.
I feel like I'm failing.
I know in reality I am not failing,
but it feels like I'm failing.

There's not enough time. 

"Sometimes it feels like I'm not enough, like I want to give so much but my reserves are low.That's part of loving too though...making it through the empty spots and finding ways to replenish the good." ~Kelly Hampton

The quote sort of spoke to me. A description if you will of my inner processing this week.

The reserves are low.
The warning light is on.
I need to find a way to reconnect with what really important.

The other day someone remarked "you're such a good mom"
Am I?
None of us really know if we "nailed"this parenting thing until, well, until it's too late, because every mom I've met is doing their best.
There are days that I am the mom I want to be,
but lately there have been more of the days where I know I am unable to meet all 3 of their needs.
Benson's not sleeping at night.
He was. Yes, all night.
However the last 2 months he is up almost every night.
Some say we should let him cry it out.
Re-Train him to self sooth.
In the deepest corners of my heart I fear its because
he's not getting enough from me.
He needs more... love.

Let's be honest evenings around here are not always filled with "love."
By the time I get home from work, we need to jump right into preparing supper.
Don't get me started.
We have maybe an hour between supper and bath/bed prep time.
In that hour I need to meet Cohen's need for one on one homework support,
Kadence's NEED for someone to see her. Someone to listen. Someone to pay attention.
Benson's need for a responsive caregiver. Someone to respond.


I can't do it.
I can't meet all of their needs.

I tuck them in at night knowing it wasn't enough. 
Vowing to try my best to better tomorrow.

Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. ~The Music Man

I went to a conference last week,Nebraska's Prevention Summit. The focus was on strengthening families.  One tidbit that a speaker shared was the rule of 9.
The most important 9 minutes are: 
The first 3 mins after waking up.
The first 3 mins after walking in the door after school/work.
The last 3 mins before falling asleep. 
.......and 9 minutes of meaningful conversation.

Those are honestly some of the most stressful 9 mins in this house. 
This week I have intentionally targeted those 9 minutes. 
Little changes. 
Big results.


That's the hope.

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