just can't let it show

Sometimes events happen which make us force us to reconsider reality.

Today a debate has been occurring in my head...who am I really?

Am I a pessimistic or optimistic person? 

Is it possible to be both?

Am I faking it?

I would have initially said optimistic, why, of course!

I would have cast judgement upon the pessimistic side of me.

I would have tried to mask that I have a sarcastic pessimistic side.

I never understood pessimism.

On the surface it seems so gloomy

so lack luster...

so hopeless

and I love hope and I love to dream.

I am not sure I ever took the time to fully understand pessimism

pes·si·mism  (ps-mzm)

n.

1. A tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view.

Maybe we all need a little pessimism.

Could it be possible?

Maybe its not as doom and gloom as it is made out to be.

Maybe that pessimistic side is necessary to set up the defenses.

Sometimes the thing or things we hope and dream about come crashing down.

Sometimes things just do not go like they "should" whether you are optimistic or pessimistic.

I have just realized that I use my pessimistic side keeps me safe sometimes. That sometimes some "dreams" are so big that if they drift out of our reach the pain is too much.

When I anticipate the "bad" may happen and it does, is the blow just a little less than if I had let myself fully dream the dream? 

Maybe.

Sometimes when my dreamer side takes over there is a little "p" voice that says whoa back down.

 If you fall now it's really going to hurt.

I fully see the value in dreaming the big dream and without hope and dreaming this would be a pretty dull and boring life....but until today I never gave credit to that pessimistic side.

I never realized the value of the protective factor within my pessimistic side.

Sometimes life does not go as planned.

Sometimes life socks you in the stomach stealing your ability to breath. 

Sometimes I need my pessimistic side more than I need optimism.

Today me and pessimism stand together. 

.......give me this moment.

Believe

I love Christmas.

I love everything about the Christmas season!

It was magical as a child and amazingly it remains magical as a adult.

I love the music. I love the glistening snow. I love the twinkling lights. I love the feel. I love the magic.

I have been attempting to capture in words what it is about Christmas that makes it so, well, magical, and there just don't seem to be the words.

It is all of the tangible things, like the lights, the church services, the music, the presents and all of that, but it is so much more.

Any given day of the year you can find a person saying, we really need to slow down and remember what really matters....although nice in words it is often hard to follow in action.

It seems to me what I love about Christmas most is that it is the one time of the year that we collectively, at the same time, stop and realize what really does matter most.

We make time for family and friends.

We spend time pondering the perfect gift that will show our appreciation to our loved ones.

We talk about Jesus.

We recognize need in others and want to take action and help.

I witnessed an amazing act of giving this week that reminds me how much good there is still in the world.

Magic I tell ya.

I knew the season was passing by much too quickly.

We needed to stop.

So Friday night the kids and I had an impromptu Magically Wonderful Christmas Supper.

The kids made their own pizza, we dusted off the china, we lit candles and drank Root Beer from bottles so they would clank when we would "cheers" and "cheers" and "cheers."

The good wishes ranged from cheers to root beer, cheers to poopy head (really that was in there, they are kids for goodness sake sigh) to cheers to Jesus and everyone in heaven that they had a special life and to hoping that every kid is happy and loved on Christmas.

Cohen ended supper by saying: "I think this was the best night ever." 

Magic I tell ya.

Magic...

if you just believe.

Has the magic slipped away for you?
Do you still feel it deep within?
Share it in a comment below
for if we share the magic
it can only grow.



Flash Back!

The kids had taken note of and were asking questions about a couple of our wedding pictures so I pulled out the wedding video!

This is still by far my favorite clip!

I was too cracked up not to share!

What a fun time!

 Can I have another wedding?! 

The best is when the camara rotates angles there is a flash of my Grandma Ella

and she is grinning from ear to ear, that was heart warming to see today!

How Lucky to capture that moment in time!

beautiful, sometimes awful,and wonderful

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,

'What! You too? I thought I was the only one” ~C.S. Lewis
That quote caught my attention last week and I have been pondering it ever since.

I don't think I had realized how true that was until recently.

The "rules" in adult life are crazy.

When something fan-fabulantasic happens
society teaches us to

Be Modest

Don't Brag

Maybe do an internal happy dance, but then move on.

AND

When the walls come crashing down,

don't ask for help,

don't admit defeat,

and by all means don't flap your jaws about it.

Just move on.

I am lucky enough to have been blessed with friends in my life with whom I can be completely honest in the good and the bad. In the happy and the sad.

From middle school to the nursing home we need those friends who just "get it."
I have discovered over the last couple years
that the more honest I am with my friends the more honest I am with myself.

I know right?

I thought it would be the other way around too!

It happens ever so slightly when I take the risk and be real and a friend will chime in and I am like
"yes, yes that is it! I would have never put that together but you are so right!" and I am one step closer to understanding not them, but myself!
and
just as quickly when that bond is there
that friend can put you back in your "place" because sometimes that is just as necessary!

It's beautiful, sometimes awful, and wonderful all at the same time!

My life is far from perfect.
I am not perfect.
No one is.

Thankfully I have friends who are real because without them I would be faking it, but trudging along in this "perfect" world where everyone continues to push themselves to dangerously high "perfect" levels.

I am thankful for my imperfect life and my ability to openly love and hate it,
with my ever so slightly imperfect,
but perfectly wonderful,
friends!

I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod;

my shadow does that much better.” ~Plutarch


Honest moment #7658, I typed a post from 8:30 to 9:30 and got some error code that it wouldn't save. I right click and copy it. Paste it on a new entry. Same error code pops up. I do it again. Edit the title. Hit the button, same error code. Log out. Log in. Paste...and $%*! (see cursing post below)I copied the title in attempt #3 to save and when I got the error code I closed it and lost it all! $%*!&. Screw it. Wash the dishes. NO way is it lost..let me try to recover it...not it's lost.
and now this is the it is now 10:30, retyped, not as polished, something is missing but it's late and I am peeved off version. $%@*! grrrrrr

profanity confession

I know it is immature.

I know it is inappropriate.

I know it is not professional.
Developed.
Responsible.
{plug in any other "Mature" "wholesome" description here}

BUT sometimes when the mood strikes I derive pleasure from cursing like a sailor.

The crazy thing is no one else needs to be around.
There is no audience.

Take for instance last night:

Mark was at work and both kids were sleeping. 
Alone.

The mood strikes and as I am picking up toys
I am saying to myself {not outloud even just internally}
F*&! markers.

How many D*mn markers can one person pick up?! 

Who threw that sh*! on the floor! What the H*ll is that?!

Did my f*! sock just stick to the floor?!   

I suppose I am going to have to f*! sweep and mop the floor now.
S*#t it's already 10:30. UGH

Freakin' great! Why am I the only one who notices this s*!t?! 

That really is no rationalizing it.

I do not know why I feel the need to curse to myself,

but I do.

It's almost embarrassing.

Confession over.

Moving on.

deposit please

We do not remember days; we remember moments.  ~Cesare Pavese


Sometimes I like to think that the stars align just perfectly which results in a moment (or a day) that was just "suppose" to be. Like before the creation of the universe someone up above knew on this date exactly what was going to happen.

We have created a little incentive program for Cohen to keep his motivation. The incentives that he is working toward were decided upon by him *bowling, ice cream, swimming at the aquatic center and just a day with mom* When he got to arrange the order of said incentives he put *day with mom* first.  Last week he earned his first incentive, to which I had no idea what we were going to do.

Several ideas were tossed around but nothing really "fit."  We talked about boo at the zoo and on Sunday I even said too bad I couldn't get tickets to take him to a Husker Football game!

That would be awesome and Mark replied "where would you get tickets now and how much would you have to pay for them at this point?!" and I thought "yeah he's right." 

That takes me to Thursday when I see a post on Facebook {from Wednesday already} about someone whose co-worker had tickets to sell. It was long shot since it had been posted for awhile but I sent a message and the tickets were still avaliable and for face value,what are the odds of this! Rare, but we'll take them. On a spontaneous whim I said "YES!"

Bright and early Cohen and I ventured out to Lincoln! 

He was in awe

  {well so was I, I got us there and parked on my own! AMAZING! *SMILE} 

We had a great time before the game!

Grandpa slipped him some cash

and he picked out a shiny new Husker football that we played catch with on the practice field!

I think if we would have gone home at this point he would have still called it a good day!

I would have loved to seen what we looked like playing catch because I was holding my camara, my clutch, his skull and cross bones balloon while trying to throw and catch the shiny (aka slippery) football!  I am positive it looked pretty comical!

I was feeling pretty good about things until

about half way through the 2nd Quarter when he says

"this is boring. I wish I stayed at Grandma's" 

I had some censored thoughts that I spared him and you!

We headed out to get a snack and a pop to kick off the 3rd quarter

and that must have been just what he needed.

We yelled when the defense was on....."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

and jumped up and down when they scored.

I took pictures!

Cohen took pictures!

By the time the 4th quarter rolled around Cohen said "this is the best day ever!"  

We had a blast!

Thank you Husker Football...

I like to think I just made a deposit in his memory bank that is going to saved for a life time.

lullaby

Someone commented "you're a super mom" and I thought to myself...."whatever."

You see I tend to want to write about the good stuff.

I tend to want to capture the "fluff."

I need to capture the fluff..not for you but for me.
I have to force myself to stop.
Be present.
Recall
and store that fluff in my memory bank.

*Although I have captured some very non-fluff moments too

I tend to want to remember the happy times.

The good stuff.

The fluff.

Today was a long day (one of many) and today is not a day I tend to want to capture in my memory bank. Today I saw Cohen for probably 30 minutes (I may be on the optimistic side) and Kadence for an hour or so (which was primarily in the car)

By the time I got home Cohen was sleeping

and Kadence was wandering out of her bed
and by the look on Mark's face it was for the umpteenth time I am sure.

I put my things down on the floor right next to the front door, picked her up, walked her to bed,

and we rocked on the edge of her bed for 20 minutes

until she closed the big blue eyes to dream another night away.

I didn't sit there and rock her because she needed me to.

I sat there and rocked her because I needed to.

In those few intimate moments without any words exchanged

a conversation transpired:

she said I needed you

and I said I'm sorry I wasn't there.

I'm sorry you didn't have a mom today.

I'm sorry mom put so much before you today.

She nestled in with her blanket saying

It's alright. You're here now.

and I know.

I know you love me.

When I think about it.

Really think about it.

We could all learn a great deal about unconditional love from our babies, couldn't we?!

Solid Advice

“Pour yourself a drink,

put on some lipstick,

and pull yourself together.”

Elizabeth Taylor

Solid Advice.

Solid Advice Indeed.

(where has this quote been my whole life?!)

That's all for today!

“Pour yourself a drink,

put on some lipstick,

and pull yourself together.”

Elizabeth Taylor

Surrender

If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it.  ~Toni Morrison

Sometimes I am reminded at how quickly time passes by,

which means I am again reminded at how quickly my kids will grow up.

I like to plan. I am a planner. Spontaneous is good in theory but hard for me to follow thru on.

Lately it seemed that everyday life, responsibilities, to do lists; seemed to be dominating

over the need to capitalize on their childhoods before they vanish.

Spontaneously I took the day off Friday, as Cohen did not have school,

and Thursday night we made a  rather quick trip to CoCo Keys in Omaha

just to swim and come back home!

The kids had a great time
and it was almost more fun for me
to see their surprised little faces when we told them!

Everyday I am reminded about how harsh reality can be.

How brutal life can be.

How many times we try only to fail and try again....

There will always be another "race" to run

another benchmark to acheive

another report due

There will always be more to do...

more that we should've done...

It is so rewarding to shut out all of that for a few moments

and just be.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

To stop and really be present.

The world and its realities will always be out there waiting for us.....

but sometimes we just have to tell the world to wait for awhile.

We have to survive the realities of life

this is true...

but we don't have to surrender to them!

 I was driving into town today after some farming ride alongs...and this captured my attention.

It is "just" town..I know...

but there was something so calming and safe about it.

Then I realized....

It's home.

from the start

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity.  The order varies for any given year.  ~Paul Sweeney

We have crossed into our 9th year of marriage.

There are days when that doesn't seem possible.

Nine years?  Really? Where did time go?

How did nine years go so fast?

And lets be honest there are days that it just feels like forever.

When you say "I Do" it may be good that you don't really know the "truth"

The fact that there will be days that you wonder if you made the right choice.

The fact that there will be moments when you think you are done.

The fact that...it really isn't a fairytale...

and love is not enough.

But there is always more to the truth...

The truth is it takes work.

A lot of work.

But with a lot of effort, forgiveness and laughter the payoff can be high.

After nine years of both of us making the conscious decision every day to stay...

There is someone who knows how to lighten the situation when I am over reacting.

There is someone who knows how to filter what I say into

the things I mean and the things I am just ranting about.

There is someone who knows me better than I probably know myself.

There is someone...There.

It's ironic or maybe typical that our anniversary was yesterday and we both worked and we both got home after 7pm and with two young children that means we got home in the "zone" you parents know the "zone" The kids are tired but fighting it and the next hour consists of crazy bath and bed time and wild things.

We had no plan.

There was no Anniversary plan.

Only every day survival,

plan as usual.

This is nine years of marriage in it's full glory.

Mark and I both still needed supper,

so as Mark put the kids to bed

I warmed up supper and at the last minute

I decided to take an extra minute and turn this "plan as usual" into something just a little more.

Something a bit more like the fairytale...

If just for a fleeting moment.

And that's the thing that I realized last night.
On the surface we all want the above.

We want to believe that everyday married life is warm and reflective

just  like a romantic candle light dinner on your ninth anniversary,

but what we don't see (at least what we don't see before we are married is; that's not real)

Maybe that is the problem with life today

We all just want the warm reflective candle light dinner

we want to believe in the illusion....

but in order to survive

you have to open your eyes and see reality in it's entirety
(yes this is actually the same table at the same time as the candlelight one above!)
We all see the world..but what "lens" we choose to see it through varies.

you can deny that it exists but that doesn't make the "bad" go away.

It seems to be that once you embrace it for what it is, the good with the bad.....

you get to keep moving forward

 and in the end...

that is the fairytale.

Where is the line?

Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations. 
Let your kids be who they are,
and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit.  ~Robert Brault

I am finding that to be a difficult task.

Every once and awhile it sinks in how much responsibility one carries the day we sign up to be parents.
We single handily shape another life's future.

Do you ever stop to think about it?

The words you use.
The things you do.
(or don't do)
All adds up for your children
Shaping them.
Shaping their futures.
Shaping them into who they will be come.

Do you think about it?
How their failures,
their successes,
are tied to your failure or success as a parent?

Where is the line?

I don't know.
Do you?

Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother.  ~Rose Kennedy

a lofty task

That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not.  ~James K. Feibleman

There have been a multitude of events recently to remind me that the world is not always kind.

Sometimes parents bury their children.

Sometimes terrorists triumph.

Sometimes bad things happen to great people (again).

It is easy to get bogged down.

It is easy to head down the path of "why"

Sometimes I am (too) quick to remember that someday it will be my turn.

Someday tragedy will be mine,

because everyone experiences tragedy sometime.

Today after listening to numerous stories of survival, of sadness, of strength...

I asked myself but what would those people whose lives ended 10 years ago tell us...

tell me?

I think they would say:  LIVE!

You can crumble under the weight of the situation (whatever your situation is)

Or you can persevere.

You can live.

Sometimes parents see their children succeed.

Sometimes terrorists are defeated.

Sometimes great things happen to great people!

It is easy to forget. 

It is easy to relive the tragedy while we let the triumphs slide by...unrecognized.

I want to teach my children to learn from the bad...

but SEE the good!

A lofty task in the world today.

A lofty task indeed.

summer send off

Okay we bid summer farewell this weekend
and I am 100% ready to embrace fall
and all the beauty it offers!

I can almost close my eyes and smell the fall air...

I fell in love with the following!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio ..
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good..

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15.. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words :'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life..

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44.. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."