The Easter Bunny was doubly mischevious this year, which led to such a high!
I do believe that I said in my previous post that I am addicted to holidays, well I guess with any high, you have to come down, the craving for the next "fix." I do believe that is where I am today.
The thrill of sneaking out late at night when everyone is tucked in their beds, dreaming of chocolate bunnies and bright spring colors I was up to no good and loving every moment. Completely sucking the life out of the night! (only it is really hard to be sneaky with automatic headlights!)
The Easter bunny neglected to hide those huge piles of paperwork that I happily left behind on Thursday for an extended weekend.
The piles that haunt my dreams this week.
The piles that are sucking the life out of me.
Today I am not fun mom.
Today I am not even nice mom.
Today I am that mom you see at the store yelling at her kids for doing things that kids just do and you think to yourself "geez lady, back off, they're kids" and you just want to grab those babies and take them home with you. Today I am that mom.
Tonight I have nothing left to give. I have given everything I had to work the last two days and tonight there is nothing left. These are the nights that leave me feeling depleated and sad.
For these are the nights that I yell too often.
I am quick to lose my patience.
I have no tolerence for those little things that normally I don't even hear...the truck tires on the kitchen floor, toys that beep and play music, the yelping.
These are the nights that I am ashamed at my own lack of control.
These are the nights that I go to bed praying my kids won't remember.
These are the nights that I go bed replaying the lost moments where my kids just wanted my attention. My love.
These are the nights that it takes everything I have not to go climb in bed with both of them and kiss them and tell them how much I do love them, despite my actions.
These are the nights I wish I could do over.
Instead I sit here. Depleted. Sad. Embarrassed. Annoyed. Done. Yet needing to give once again to work.
I am hoping that by getting this out I can move on because my kids, my husband, my work, don't "care" if I have nothing left.
They "require" me to keep going. I know that I need to sit here tonight and complete at least one of those piles of work before the sun greets us tomorrow. Before the rays of sunshine require me to start over.
To give more.
To try this life again
and do better!
Tomorrow I have to do better. Tomorrow I need to be the mom, my kids deserve. The mom they deserve every day. Tomorrow, my day will not suck the life out of me. Tomorrow I WILL suck the life out of the day!
If only I can get through tonight and one more pile.....
*I want to make a footnote here and say I do not believe that it is just because I work that I have hit bottom and have nothing left to give. I think (or hope that I am not alone) that no matter what or where you are in life you have those moments when life has sucked you dry. Today just happens to be my turn. I am waiting ever so impateintly to let someone else take a turn.
Duck Duck GOOSE...You're IT!
and where the heck did Blogger take my spell checker! REALY! COME ON People!