Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ideal, Dreamy (non existent) World

Every once and awhile the pull to be a stay at home mom is so strong it knocks me over.

I love my job. I love what I do. I really do! I have passion!

BUT that doesn’t stop me from wishing I was staying home with my babies. I know that staying home is not all roses and rainbows, but I would take it in a heartbeat today and so many other days.

It goes like this….I detest waking my kids up and it is even worse to wake them up and then shove them in the car for 20 mins.  I hate that some mornings they start their day hearing my irritated-hurried voice because "Come on we need to go."  Instead of hanging out in the rocking chair-making room for three-watching cartoons until the desire to get up and move kicks in.

Daycare. Oh daycare. I am giving my children to someone else. For someone else to shape their day, their experiences, their lives, their dreams. By far daycare is the biggest heart jerker. By far daycare is the biggest stressor. By far daycare is the biggest impact on my children. So, no matter the daycare you choose you always wonder “is it the right one?” “is it good enough?”
“Do my kids get what they need?” “ Do they feel valued there?”
“Will someone comfort them when they are sad?” “Do they feel important? Special?”
"Do they feel like they belong there?"  “Are they held, hugged, talked to, read to, played with, taught, loved?”
“Is there laughter and fun?” "Is it the best?"
"Are they missing out on something?"
"How would their lives be different had they spent that time with me instead?"

When the time finally comes to end the work day and head home….the evenings are so short. Supper, play for maybe an hour and then the grind of bedtime comes crashing down and there just isn’t enough time. Cohen said it perfect the other night “But mom, it just wasn’t enough time, we only got to play like 2 minutes. You never let us play” ~okay well it was closer to an hour and we do play…but even he feels the crunch, like our time together just isn’t enough to meet what they need…..

Then there are days that just…just don’t stop. Days when you can't do enough. Despite the fact that you do a great job, you didn't cross all your "t's" and dot your "i's" (paperwork, time lines, regulations, requirements) so; it's still not good enough and you spend your day feeling guilty for waking up your babies (who went to bed late because you again felt guilty and let them play later than usual), feeling frustrated with obligations and paperwork, all the while second guessing if you've picked the perfect place for your kids to be if they cannot be with you, and then because you love what you do and you care so much about the families you work with you wonder if you have given them everything you can, when they need it, how they need it, wondering if you could have done better because sometimes in this job
one moment,
one decision,
one wrong word,
one missed question,
really can be life changing for that family

.....oh by then all I want is to pick up my kids go home and play, hug, talk, cuddle, rock, read books, teach, ride bikes, swing and swing and swing,  laugh, love…all those visions of the “Ideal, Dreamy (non existent) world” of stay at home mom’s
Disclaimer:  I know no one’s world, stay at home or not, is dreamy and full of the illusions we create in our minds…..but when I close my eyes I  dream, I can see it........and oh the times we would have!


Kelsey said...

ahh Jen i love reading your post :) i had to laugh when i read about staying at home as i was listening to my two kids scream all morning :) wouldn't like a couple hour job a day be great :) just enough time to recharge :)

The Preister's said...

Amen Kelsey -- why cant we all rotate to fill one position? I will work from 10:00 - 1:00 M-F, if anyone is interested!

Jen said...

Now that's a thought Brenda! Ha! And of course keep the same salary! Ya know in an ideal dreamy world! =)
I know if I did stay home I would have a WHOLE different list of Questions I'd be asking myself!! Like did I do enough?!

Kim said...

Being a stay at home and daycare provider I still ask myself those same questions Jennifer. I give so much during the day and try really hard to spread my lap for all the other kids and not favor my own. So hard to do. But when everyone leaves at night I'm tired, yelling because I don't want to play anymore and in need of a drink. Is that being a good mom? That is my question.