Saturday, January 12, 2013

You Complete us

I am so in love.

I do believe that Benson has stolen my heart.
Just as his brother and sister did before.

Although this time its different.  I was going to let the moment "go." Just a bond between the two of us, not to be shared.
After having some recent conversations with several friends now it just seems right to write.....

After you have a miscarriage, something in you changes.
Life continues.
 Moves on.
But there is always a tugging about the what if's....

Then comes the news again. You're pregnant!
The world around you is excited!
You smile.
You agree and say how excited you are...on the outside
on the inside though, its scary.
You hesitate....
hesitate to get too excited.
hesitate to plan too far.
hesitate to let your heart fall in love.
You set milestones thinking that when you reach them you'll feel better.
...after I see the heart beat, I'll feel better....
....after I feel movement, then I'll let go of the fear.
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.......after we get past the age for viability I'll relax.
Instead as each milestone comes and goes,
the fear stays,
its seed firmly planted,
creating new fears as each milestone passes.
The reality that things can and do go wrong deeply rooted in your heart.
After some very honest conversations with some friends, it seems these fears,
these hesitations to let in hope and excitement for fear of loss again, we were all experiencing yet hesitant to express.

Its like I couldn't really believe he would be here until he was my arms.
Healthy and Perfect and beautiful....and I am head over heels in love with him. 
Likes stars in my eyes only 5 days old he has busted through a wall in my heart and opened up the flood gates.


So the other story here: Benson's arrival.
Sunday was a day like all 10pm Sunday night I was emailing myself at work a few things I needed to remember to do the next day and I was telling Mark he better come up with his top 2 names so we could narrow them down...etc etc......
I woke up at 11:30/11:45pm Sunday night and realized I either peed my pants or my water broke...surely I peed my pants because surely it is not time for a baby yet! I didn't have my bag ready and I had things that needed done was evident in a few minutes that indeed my water did break and indeed this baby was coming ready or not.

We got to the hospital about 1.
Checked in (I was scheduled to do my preadmission paperwork Monday!)
Epidural about 2:45 am or 3:30 I was fully dilated, rather quickly so we had to wait about
15minutes for the doctor to arrive and Benson made his arrival by 3:55am! The nurse assured me she had caught babies before so not to worry, but the doctor did make it and just in time!

He remained nameless for several hours because, well refer to story above, Mark was going to narrow down his list "tomorrow" which was now today and well we could not decide! 
It is such a big decision!
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The kids are smitten and so are we.

We "heart" you Benson Thomas.

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Now off for some night time snuggling...he's already figured out how to wiggle his lil butt so his head nestles in deep under my chin as we settle in for some serious bonding.

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