Do it anyways...

'My whole life I've been telling myself, 'don't be afraid'. And it is only now that I'm realizing how stupid that is. Don't be afraid. Like saying, 'don't move out of the way when someone tries to punch you' or 'don't flinch at the heat of fire' or 'don't blink'. Don't be human. I'm afraid and you're afraid and we're all always going to be afraid, because that's the point. What I should be telling myself is 'be afraid, but do it anyway'. Live anyway.” - Unknown

 

 

 

Some things come back to you, just like riding a bike, as the saying goes.

Other things take some reminders, maybe some relearning!

 

Oh how I had forgotten how tiny their lil butts are as newborns

or how sweet it is when they suck their little legs up to their bums when you pick them up 

and somehow over night I swear the two big kids grew exponentially.

 

I was surprised how quickly I adjusted to 5 to 6 hours of broken sleep.

Naps?

What are they?

 

 

Just as we are getting things figured out, it is soon time to change again.

Back to work comes in a little over a week.

I've done this before.

The first drop off.

This time is different though.

This time I dread it more than the other times....

knowing how quickly they grow,

knowing how much is missed...

This time though there is more.

I love my job.

I have outstanding coworkers.

Yet, inevitably going back to work brings more to do.

More to do brings more stress.

More stress brings out crabby mom more frequently!

Until I went on maternity leave I didn't realize how much stress I  carried day to day, balancing what needs done at work, what needs done at home, what the kids need.

i just feel so much lighter and I know what comes walking back in that door.

We'll strike a new balance.

This I know.

We have someone great lined up to love on our newest addition.

My coworkers (friends!! and sometimes life lines!!) will help me!

I know.

I know.

In the mean time I can't fret what I do not know.

Right?!

SO I tell myself ...be afraid, but do it anyway. Live anyways.

 

 

ps...about that statement of how quickly you adjust to sleep deprivation....I took Cohen to taekwando tonight in Columbus. Got bottles ready.

Left said bottles on the counter.

Yup drove to Columbus with absolutely no bottles for the baby.

so perhaps my perception of adjustment may be skewed a bit!

*Surely a wet wipe and water is just as effective at sterilizing a bottle as boiling! Right?!

You Complete us

I am so in love.

I do believe that Benson has stolen my heart.

Just as his brother and sister did before.

Although this time its different.  I was going to let the moment "go." Just a bond between the two of us, not to be shared.

After having some recent conversations with several friends now it just seems right to write.....

After you have a miscarriage, something in you changes.

Life continues.

 Moves on.

But there is always a tugging about the what if's....

Then comes the news again. You're pregnant!

The world around you is excited!

You smile.

You agree and say how excited you are...on the outside

on the inside though, its scary.

You hesitate....

hesitate to get too excited.

hesitate to plan too far.

hesitate to let your heart fall in love.

You set milestones thinking that when you reach them you'll feel better.

...after I see the heart beat, I'll feel better....

....after I feel movement, then I'll let go of the fear.

.......after we get past the age for viability I'll relax.

Instead as each milestone comes and goes,

the fear stays,

its seed firmly planted,

creating new fears as each milestone passes.

The reality that things can and do go wrong deeply rooted in your heart.

After some very honest conversations with some friends, it seems these fears,

these hesitations to let in hope and excitement for fear of loss again, we were all experiencing yet hesitant to express.

Its like I couldn't really believe he would be here until he was here...in my arms.
Healthy and Perfect and beautiful....and I am head over heels in love with him. 
Likes stars in my eyes love.....at only 5 days old he has busted through a wall in my heart and opened up the flood gates.

Whew.

So the other story here: Benson's arrival.

Sunday was a day like all others.....at 10pm Sunday night I was emailing myself at work a few things I needed to remember to do the next day and I was telling Mark he better come up with his top 2 names so we could narrow them down...etc etc......

I woke up at 11:30/11:45pm Sunday night and realized I either peed my pants or my water broke...surely I peed my pants because surely it is not time for a baby yet! I didn't have my bag ready and I had things that needed done yet...it was evident in a few minutes that indeed my water did break and indeed this baby was coming ready or not.

We got to the hospital about 1.

Checked in (I was scheduled to do my preadmission paperwork Monday!)

Epidural about 2:45 am or 3....by 3:30 I was fully dilated, rather quickly so we had to wait about

15minutes for the doctor to arrive and Benson made his arrival by 3:55am! The nurse assured me she had caught babies before so not to worry, but the doctor did make it and just in time!

He remained nameless for several hours because, well refer to story above, Mark was going to narrow down his list "tomorrow" which was now today and well we could not decide! 
It is such a big decision!

The kids are smitten and so are we.

We "heart" you Benson Thomas.

Now off for some night time snuggling...he's already figured out how to wiggle his lil butt so his head nestles in deep under my chin as we settle in for some serious bonding.
Love.



Believe

Merry Christmas!

The Holiday season has flown by at a record setting pace this year.

As I sit here tonight, the house is quiet, just the Christmas tree lights glowing in the room, I am a bit saddened that tomorrow is Christmas Eve already.

I recently said I needed to find or create a little more Christmas "magic" around here!

Tuesday nights we stay late in Columbus, so last week I decided
 a "simple"...Christmas Magic Plan
for an ordinary Tuesday night.
We go to dance.
We go to Taekwondo....and the plan:
Simple.
Hit a drive thru and then drive around, eating our take out,
taking in the Christmas lights,
Christmas music playing...
simple.
Yet "magical"

Only it ended up more like this:
Go to dance.
Go to Taekwondo
Leave Taekwondo.
Cop Cruiser parked behind the Tahoe.......20 minutes later (6:40pm) Cop leaves with a very intoxicated gentlemen in tow.  (That's 20 minutes of questions about why this "nice" man keeps falling over, wobbling, slurring, etc)
Think to self: It's okay we can still salvage this. There is STILL time for Magic.
.......Realize while sitting in the tahoe for 20 minutes, fielding questions about an intoxicated man, that the scholastic books you ordered ahead of time to avoid last minute shopping, did not come in and ta daaa, Kadence's preschool party is the next day, for which you needed said books.
Think to self....it is FINE. It is F I  N E....we will jump over to Walgreens, grab a book and back to Christmas "magic." 
Go to Walgreens.
NO BOOKS.
No JOKE.
Get in the car kids.
Go to Walmart (7:00pm)
Get damn book
Leave Walmart (7:30pm)
Get to Arbys for supper (7:40 pm)
Kadence cries because she wants to go inside for ketchup.
Give up.
Eat in Arbys.
Head for home (8:10pm)
Magic.
Not so much,

Attempt for "magic" Round two.

Friday Plan:
Leave work and pick up stocking stuffers and groceries, as it is the last chance to go to the store on my own since Mark would be working nights all weekend.  Once I had the last of the Santa items, grab Kadence from daycare and head home and have a candle light supper with the kids. Complete with wine glasses and sparkling juice. 

Which actually went more like this:
Leave work.
Where are my keys?
Well, of course, they are in the ignition,
with the doors locked.
Logically.
*SIGH
Call Mark at home
He still needs to clean up and get ready for work but could be over in an hour or so to unlock the tahoe.
Thank him for bailing me out without a condescending comment.
Realize he will get to Columbus after 5.
With daycare closing that means.....well however will one get the stocking stuffers with Kadence in tow ?  SIGH. 
"Beg" or plead with Aunt Linda and Elli to pick up Kadence and watch her for a last minute trip to Walmart for stocking stuffers and decide that the kids and I can come back Saturday for groceries.
Walmart equals hell.  Oh my stars the people.
Leave Walmart at 6:15.
Realize there will be no candle light "magic" supper.
Pick up Kadence.
Decide to just get groceries and be done.
Get home 8:45.
Magic.
Hardly!

Feel Defeated.
Wonder to self...........
what happened to the Holidays this year?!

Insert a few days at home:

..........and the magic is brewing.

I think we all just needed some down time (and heck maybe the snow!)

 

It is never going to be perfect.....

 

but there is always a way to find some magic of your own,

 

although it just may take a few tries! (*insert smile)

 

We finally pulled off our "candle light" supper Saturday  night....

couldn't find the fire starter, hence no candles...

and you can't see it but half the string of lights is dead.

 

And you know what...

 

STILL MAGICAL!

 

Find your Magic....the season is upon us.

The season of giving to others...

of time with family...

of beliefs in people and things we can't see but find in our hearts....

It is wonderful...

and yes, truly Magical.

If you just Believe.