mother love fuel

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. ~Frank A. Clark

It's late but so many words are drifting inside my mind that I know sleep will be elusive until a few of those thoughts are set free.

It is the dawn of Cohen's 7th Birthday.

I was talking to my mom tonight and joking that sharing a birthday with your kid isn't all that it is cracked up to be.

As I will spend my birthday tired because

I stayed up making school birthday treats for his birthday

and I turned down lunch with a friend for my birthday

to eat school lunch with him for his birthday.

In only an older, wiser mom way, she said...

"You know he is 7.

You don't have that many years until the thought of you eating lunch with him at school

is horrifying and the last thing he will want is some "stupid" treats for school."

Perspective.

As I finished making the treats for tomorrow, I realized I hadn't even glanced at the clock.

I realized that I never once pondered how tired I would be tomorrow

or how stupid I was for taking on this project so late at night.

I realized I was smiling.

It really has nothing to do with what snack he did or didn't pick out (trust me I tried to talk him into something pre-made as we were in the store at 5:30, not home, supper not started, knowing a long night was ahead) It's about creating that feeling inside that he is special. Someone will listen. Somone cares what he wants. That he is loved.

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.  

~Marion C. Garretty

In the dark corner of my mind, I hate that I work (I love my work but I hate that sometimes I have to choose work/kids) I know that a small amount of guilt brews in that dark corner waiting to pounce. Sometimes that dark corner pushes me to sacrifice to a higher level. Plan things with my kids. Make treats into the wee hours because I never want them to feel like they got less because I'm not here. I never want them to feel like they come in second.  I know that dark corner exists and at times is irrational. I know it, but it doesn't stop it from festering at times.

But tonight,

tonight it wasn't the dark corner of my mind driving me forward,

it was something greater

It was....

love.

It was the realization that 7 years ago I stayed up 30+ hours to bring him into this world.

It was the realization that while he is little I will stay up all hours of the night to make the treat that he desires for HIS special day.

It was the realization that in 10 years, when he comes home at midnight broken hearted over his first love, I will stay up listening.

It was the realization that in 20 years, when he calls at midnight because the baby is sick and they don't know what to do, I will be there.

It was the realization that in 26 years, when he calls at 10:40 for some damn pudding for school birthday treats for his son, I will go out in the cold, in my pajamas, and deliver pudding, with a chuckle.

It was love.

Nothing less.

Nothing more.

Not tonight.

If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. ~Robert Brault