and the walls....

Sometimes as a mom/wife/supervisor/fill in every other role...it feels like I am propping up four walls that are crumbling down so you use a foot to brace one and another starts so you use an arm to prop that one and before you know it you are using everything you got just to hold the walls up, so you got nothing left to actually fix the wall, so you just keep finding ways to brace and prop the crumbling ones......

Am I alone here?

A few things work (logistical and administrative types of things) and non work converged simultaneously (each alone manageable, simultaneously not so much)

So my first coping mechanism was....shut down. Left. Bought some new jeans.

My second coping mechanism was....denial.

Currently I am using the method of self talk. I can do this. Sure. It won't be perfect but it's do-able. right? yeah sure.   BUT some doubt is settling in......

As I am driving to a late appointment tonight I say to myself "I wish I could call the radio station and request a little Pink, So what and I chuckled to myself thinking about calling the radio station! Anyways

I have a rough draft/sketchy plan of attack for work....not so much for the other/not work, still in denial on that one. I am not sure how many plans of attack one person can create at a time but I think I maxed it for now anyways!

After a lengthy conversation with a coworker I was driving home flipping between

"I can do this"

and

"There's no way"

and all of sudden........SO WHAT I AM ROCK STAR, I got MY ROCK MOVES!

Are you kidding me?!

Is this happening?!

It was on the radio.

I am interpreting this as a sign. 

I may not know how,

but I am going to trust in, in the faith that good things do happen

and in, well, I guess trust in me.

I can do this.

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves.

and I don't need you!

the here and now

Kindergarten has started.

The weekend is here.

Summer is winding down, slowly but gracefully easing into fall.

The lighting has been gorgeous in the evenings. Have you noticed? There is a glimpse of fall lighting...and it has me enticed and ready to take the leap into the next season.

Although we participated in summer-like activities this evening, my heart wasn't in it.

I have made the switch and my mind is completely in love with the approaching fall!

Oh man I can close my eyes tonight and smell fall. You know the crisp fall air...it has a smell that takes you back to football and harvest to school to memories.  This longing for the next season has of course made me start thinking about my next list! I will admit that actually writing down a list of things to do during the season was surprisingly successful and fun. It prevented us from just letting the season of summer pass us by without completely savoring all the things that make summer~summer!

Without further adieu

1. Bake pies

    *I have never made a pie!

2. Soup

    *I have such a craving for soup weather...chili, chix noodle, potato...mmm.

3. Bake Bread

4. Jump in Leaves

5. Pumpkin Patch

6. Go to Football games

7. Go to Volleyball games~Husker's would be great!

8. Halloween......oh man I am thinking Halloween already, costumes and fun...food

     *Last year we had ghost pancakes for breakfast and mummy dogs for lunch!

9. Haunted House

     *an Adult scary one!

10. Combine ride for me and the kids! Modified and upgraded to driving the combine!

11. Buy a stranger's meal

Well that looks like a good start! I feel as though I am missing some classic fall moments, so feel free to leave me some suggestions or thoughts about YOUR list for fall!

I challenge each of you to make a list of what you are going to do to savor this approaching season.

What memories are you going to create?

When you close your eyes and smell that crisp fall air what visions come back?

Go there. Do those things.

That is my challenge for each of you....

Are you living your life or waiting until "xyz" happens because  I had a moment with a parent this week that reminded me again how important it is to live the life we have now

because we never know what our future holds

and none of us want to look back and wish we had enjoyed the moments we have

....here and now!

This is your life.

Here and Now.

Live it!

“Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile.”~ William Cullen Bryant

If you are reading this...click the lil' Comment line below and start your fall list!: (Comment under Anonymous if you don't want to be known!Heck I dont' care! Just do it!)
Can't wait to read your plans.........

rocket science

Kindergarten such a small yet big thing really.

I have been contemplating what is it about Kindergarten and Cohen that pulls at the heart strings, that makes me want to run for the hills.

For some it is hard to separate, the thought of sending them out all day, but for us, we do that already with daycare, so no it isn't the separation. It isn't the new place. New teacher. New friends. Yes those are all factors that make the first day a bit scary, but I know Cohen and I know he will be fine. Quiet at first, but fine. No it is not those things at all....it is, well everything else.  Bigger.

When I think about the significance of Kindergarten it gets me. These first two to maybe three years will virtually determine if he is a child who loves or hates school. These first two or three years will determine if we learn from the homework sent home or fight over it for the next 13 years. Did you know that if you are not a proficient reader at the 3rd grade level it is most likely you will never be?  The power, influence, and impact of these first few years are indescribable in predicting and creating future success.

Kindergarten for me is not letting go of Cohen as much as it is letting go of the power I have in shaping and influencing who he is and what he does.

Up until this point, as Cohen's mom, I have had control. Yes he is in daycare all day, but if I don't like the daycare provider, we can change. I get to decide what kids he sees and what kids he knows and what kids he plays with. I get to decide, well pretty much everything.

This chapter ends that.

This chapter begins a new balancing act that I am not yet equipped for.

Unlike daycare, if he gets a teacher that I don't agree with or I don't think "clicks" with him, I have no power to change that. I can't "decide." There is not another choice, but to make it through.

So when I think about the lack of my "power" and the importance of these first few years in predicting future success...that is what "Gets me" that is what "holds me down."  That is what "scares the living daylights out of me", Cohen's mom.

Then that makes me sit down and reflect on the foundation I have laid for him while I did hold the "power," and the decisions were mine.  Did I do enough? Could I have done more? we should have read more books and drew more pictures.  Did I do the ground work? Did lay down a solid foundation for him to grow from?  These again are scary questions to ask of yourself as a parent, because they too greatly predict your child's future success.

The night is closing in and tomorrow we set foot into a new world.

A world of new learning and new lessons for Cohen and Cohen's mom.

Yes friends parenting isn't rocket science, it is far more complicated than that!

To lead him through the places

A glimpse at what is coming this week at our house.......

He started school this morning,

And he seemed so very small.

As I walked there beside him

In the Kindergarten hall.

And as he took his place beside

the others in the class,

I realized how all too soon

Those first few years can pass.

Remembering, I saw him as

he first learned how to walk.

The words that we alone made out

When he began to talk.

This little boy so much absorbed

In learning how to write.

It seems as though he must have grown to boyhood overnight.

My eyes were blurred and hastily I brushed the tears away

Lest by some word or sign of mine I mar his first big day

Oh how I longed to stay with him and keep him by the hand

To lead him through the places

That he couldn't understand.

And something closely kin to fear

Was mingled with my pride.

I knew he would no longer be a baby by my side.

But he must have his chance to live,

To work his problems out,

The privilege to grow and learn what life is all about.

And I must share my little boy

With friends and work and play;  he's not a baby anymore --

he's in Kindergarten today.

 

 ~author unknown

 

big week stayed tune........

Boiling point.

The temperature outside sits at about 105 today, well all week really.

I should have known the under current was brewing~slowly coming to a boil.
It is 79 in our home despite the air conditioner being set at 74.
Beads of sweat line my hair line.
If someone came with a special thermometer made to measure attitude, I do believe the inside temperature was probably closer to 105.

If I had to make a measurement of my own, I would say tonight ranks among our top 3 worse evenings for parent child interactions! It started the moment I picked them up....whining~fussing~crabbing. I drove to daycare thinking it's pretty hot outside maybe we will stay in make supper and get the play dough out tonight and make something really cool together. {dreamy positive interactions were far from in my stars tonight}

I know not how to describe the crying tonight.
I have not the words to describe the intensity.
I can only jump into the story.
It went something like this....

Kadence dozed off on the way home. I woke her up and carried her in, crying. I sat down in the rocking chair with her, which exacerbated the crying, which results in her arching her back and melting off my lap to the floor.{you all know this move right, the don't hold me, don't put me down move} Once she was on the floor oh that only made her madder, which resulted in throaty screaming and kicking. As a mom you try to pick them back up which only continues the cycle.

Cohen starts whining about how hungry he is and that he will ONLY eat a grilled cheese. I make a grilled cheese balancing a crying Kadence, who is also holding a monkey, baby, blankie and cup, on one hip.
I provide Cohen the grilled cheese which results in of course crying that he wanted chips and salsa.

whew

deep breath. Big deep breath. chant to self: They are tired. They are tired. You are the adult. If you don't remain in control who will.

He told me he was running away to Texas and that I would be alone FOREVER!. I asked where he would sleep in Texas, that I would be sad to see him go, and I hoped he did not have to sleep in the ditch on the highway and he said he would stay up all day and all night. I said geez I hope you can find something to eat in Texas. He said "I WILL MAKE FRIENDS."                Deep breath.

From there things are a little fuzzy until our peaking 105 moment....

Cohen is still mad and says and I quote "I HATE YOU. I AM GOING TO FUCKING SHOOT YOU." 

I know!

You think you are shocked?  You think you are appalled that I even typed that on here?!

Hello my 5 year old just said that!

To my face.

I can't breath.

{Where in the world would he have heard this?!}

I can't speak.

I picked him up and said we do not use language like that in this house and we do not threaten people with shooting. You are going to bed right now. That was completely unacceptable.

This of course did not go over well....although it did elicit an "I'm sorry."

To which I replied. Thank you for apologizing. You needed to do that, but you are still in trouble.
Just picture lots of crying and screaming and kicking here!!!

I put him in bed and walked out. He gets out of bed..REPEAT!  and repeat. and repeat. and repeat......

One of those times I put him in bed and he requested to watch a movie.
I, of course, say no, to which I get this "I want to watch a "f"n" movie!!"

REALLY!?!

REALLY?!

Did I really just hear it again? 

DID I?!?!??!

This is when I am repeating this in my head "you are the adult. you are the adult. Respond DO NOT react. RESPOND DO NOT REACT."

Create a calm yet stern appearance while rage is boiling inside.
Swat on the ass and I AM NOT a spanker! Man I am not a spanker. {I was out of..ideas I guess. I had no idea how to stop this viscious cycle we were in.} No movie we do not use that word.

From there it went lots of ways..kicking, yelling {I hate you} or the I'm going to run away to Texas.

Most of that conversation took place toting a fussing 2 1/2 yr old who was still toting her own monkey, baby, blankie, and cup.

Beads of sweat.

Rage.

Control.

Doubt.

Fear.

Saddness.

7:35pm Cohen is asleep. No supper. No movie.
.
Home for one hour forty minutes.

I can't sleep.

Wash away

"Why is it that every time I'm with you, makes me believe in magic?”~unknown

Weekends.

Something magic happens on weekends.

 It's like for a moment I can stop the craziness of day to day life and live in the moment.

There is enough stress and worry about the future during the week,

that weekends this summer have become my escape. 

I had hoped to have more impromptu get togethers with friends this summer

and well I believe a last minute trip to the horse races fits that bill!

$1 bets, $1 beers, $1 hot dogs
Dreamy.

With some coaching, I mastered the lingo and placed my very own bet!

and WON!
$1

But in the end, its not really about the money.

It never is.

It is about laughter and friendships.

It's about remembering who we are as moms, wives, women, and great!

It's about letting go of the day to day worries

and being free to breath. Lighter.

and when it is all said and done.

We go home.

Tired. Exhausted.

but Lighter.

Better because of it.

Oh yes there are lots of wealthy people out there,
while we struggle to make ends meet,

but I am blessed with a wealth of good friends,

and I would bet everything I have that they make me

a very wealthy person indeed!

If that was not impromptu enough how about a last minute decision to hit the lake!

Soak it in little ones.

This IS summer.

Imagination and dreams run wild between these two little boys.

These are the moments I could drink in forever.

These are the moments that I want him to see

when he closes his eyes as a grown man and remembers summer.

Take every chance to relax,

to hope, to heal,

to dream, to play,

to give,  to receive.

-author unknown

and we loved.

Oh how we mama's love

yes we mom's can still have a rockin' good time

but we always come back.

come back for some of this

this magic summer weekend love.

"That's the thing with magic.

You've got to know it's still here,

 all around us,

or it just stays invisible for you.”

~Charles de Lint

Lessons learned

Have you ever planned something for your kids thinking it would be so fun and you have all these thoughts about the fun you are going to have...and then you get there and it is a total melt down? The kids cry and cling? It's hot. Your sweating. You get crabby. Kids are crabby. Hubby crabby and you go home and think to yourself. What the heck just happened? That was suppose to be "fun?"

I think there was a piece of my mind that was prepping me before we left for vacation. That little voice in my head saying...yes this could be fun, but it could be a disaster too, so don't get your hopes to high! 

We were just playing the sad, mad, happy face game! There was no pouting on this trip

Sometimes that voice helps soften the blow when the experience doesn't match up to the expectations!

BUT this time......the experience exceeded my expectations so HUSH up little voice!

The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as we continue to live. ~Mortimer Adler

Lessons learned:

It's official!

The Calahan's packed up and left the big 'ole town of Rising.  A rare event!

There was much debate previously into the where and who and what's...where will we go?  Where determines who (Kadence or no Kadence that is the question!), What can we afford? Where can we afford, get to, AND enjoy with a 5 year old and 2 yr old?

...and the answer is:

Omaha.

I must confess here when the decision was made I had a little piece in me that was like Omaha, we're taking a family vacation to Omaha...really?  That's it??  That's all we got?? We are so NOT exciting! Who vacations to Omaha?! We're not even leaving the state. I mean it's not really a vacation unless you cross state lines right? That's like a family vacation law somewhere I think!

Lesson Learned:  You don't have to go very far to feel like you are in some dreamy vacation land

On our way home Cohen said "It's like we've been gone for like a 100 days!

Thursday morning we packed up and headed to the zoo!

Lesson learned: The zoo is much more enjoyable during the week and with temperatures under 90 degrees!

This was by far the best trip we have made to the zoo and we stayed all day!

Both kids did GREAT! I do not remember any crying!  This includes Kadence deciding to potty train six days before! We managed the entire trip with no accidents! That alone is spectacular!

After the zoo we made our way to the room at CoCo Keys and did some swimming and splashing the rest of the evening!

This is when I learned

lesson learned:

Potty training would have been easier done in a 2 pc swimsuit not a 1 piece.

(for obvious reasons that I didn't think about previously!)

Friday we all slept in until almost 9! I know isn't that great!

We got ready and ate breakfast at Perkins (I believe this is Mark's highlight from the trip!)

We went to the Children's Museum in Omaha to see the Clifford exhibit (so not worth the $40 it cost to get in the door!) The kids had fun, but it wasn't very exciting and not worth the money it cost for admission! Bummer!

We went straight from there to the Amazing Pizza Machine! That was WAY fun and cost us $60, which was crazy when you compared that to what we did and paid at the Children's museum!

Cohen and Mark lived on the go karts and bumper cars. Kadence and I even gave the boys a run for their money on the go karts, but they beat us! Cohen thought it was SO funny! I had the pedal to the floor the whole time so I am so sure they beat us because our yellow car {sucked!} ~wink

I thought Mark on the frog hopper ride was pretty funny myself! Unfortunately I forgot my camera in the stroller!

After that we headed back to CoCo keys and again swam away the evening

Lesson learned:  Somewhere along the line I missed the lesson that mom's don't do water slides

As I stood in line with Cohen at the big water slides I looked around and there was a dad and his son, a few other kids, another dad, kid, another dad......umm okay where are the mom's? Oh they are all standing on the side, dry, hair still fixed, opps! I missed society's lesson that when you take on "mom" title you quit water slides! I started watching at that point and the rest of the evening I only saw one other mom on the big slides! Cohen and I jumped under the water falls and sprayed each other with the water shooters and zipped down the slides.....screw society! It was FUN! I bet I had more fun than those stuffy mom's on the side! (Mark and I did have to trade off because Mark is a big kid around water, so we almost had to arm wrestle over who got to go with Cohen on the big stuff!) I do believe I looked pretty silly & not so attractive as I was dripping wet from head to toe and then standing at the 2 ft deep baby/toddler slide/pool with Kadence and all the "dry" mommies! ~smile~

Other important Lessons learned:

Don't bother packing snacks and drinks, we'll buy them anyways.

We did some school supply shopping and Build a Bear on Saturday and made our way back home! We welcomed Sargent and MONKEY to our house! Monkey is now the new best favorite thing!

Getting away is not just good for the family but good for the spirit

Now it's monday and back to the crying and the MOM's! and the daily to do lists! The laundry and the dishes and well I guess reality. Oh well this is my life and I love it!