You Complete us

I am so in love.

I do believe that Benson has stolen my heart.

Just as his brother and sister did before.

Although this time its different.  I was going to let the moment "go." Just a bond between the two of us, not to be shared.

After having some recent conversations with several friends now it just seems right to write.....

After you have a miscarriage, something in you changes.

Life continues.

 Moves on.

But there is always a tugging about the what if's....

Then comes the news again. You're pregnant!

The world around you is excited!

You smile.

You agree and say how excited you are...on the outside

on the inside though, its scary.

You hesitate....

hesitate to get too excited.

hesitate to plan too far.

hesitate to let your heart fall in love.

You set milestones thinking that when you reach them you'll feel better.

...after I see the heart beat, I'll feel better....

....after I feel movement, then I'll let go of the fear.

.......after we get past the age for viability I'll relax.

Instead as each milestone comes and goes,

the fear stays,

its seed firmly planted,

creating new fears as each milestone passes.

The reality that things can and do go wrong deeply rooted in your heart.

After some very honest conversations with some friends, it seems these fears,

these hesitations to let in hope and excitement for fear of loss again, we were all experiencing yet hesitant to express.

Its like I couldn't really believe he would be here until he was here...in my arms.
Healthy and Perfect and beautiful....and I am head over heels in love with him. 
Likes stars in my eyes love.....at only 5 days old he has busted through a wall in my heart and opened up the flood gates.

Whew.

So the other story here: Benson's arrival.

Sunday was a day like all others.....at 10pm Sunday night I was emailing myself at work a few things I needed to remember to do the next day and I was telling Mark he better come up with his top 2 names so we could narrow them down...etc etc......

I woke up at 11:30/11:45pm Sunday night and realized I either peed my pants or my water broke...surely I peed my pants because surely it is not time for a baby yet! I didn't have my bag ready and I had things that needed done yet...it was evident in a few minutes that indeed my water did break and indeed this baby was coming ready or not.

We got to the hospital about 1.

Checked in (I was scheduled to do my preadmission paperwork Monday!)

Epidural about 2:45 am or 3....by 3:30 I was fully dilated, rather quickly so we had to wait about

15minutes for the doctor to arrive and Benson made his arrival by 3:55am! The nurse assured me she had caught babies before so not to worry, but the doctor did make it and just in time!

He remained nameless for several hours because, well refer to story above, Mark was going to narrow down his list "tomorrow" which was now today and well we could not decide! 
It is such a big decision!

The kids are smitten and so are we.

We "heart" you Benson Thomas.

Now off for some night time snuggling...he's already figured out how to wiggle his lil butt so his head nestles in deep under my chin as we settle in for some serious bonding.
Love.



Believe

Merry Christmas!

The Holiday season has flown by at a record setting pace this year.

As I sit here tonight, the house is quiet, just the Christmas tree lights glowing in the room, I am a bit saddened that tomorrow is Christmas Eve already.

I recently said I needed to find or create a little more Christmas "magic" around here!

Tuesday nights we stay late in Columbus, so last week I decided
 a "simple"...Christmas Magic Plan
for an ordinary Tuesday night.
We go to dance.
We go to Taekwondo....and the plan:
Simple.
Hit a drive thru and then drive around, eating our take out,
taking in the Christmas lights,
Christmas music playing...
simple.
Yet "magical"

Only it ended up more like this:
Go to dance.
Go to Taekwondo
Leave Taekwondo.
Cop Cruiser parked behind the Tahoe.......20 minutes later (6:40pm) Cop leaves with a very intoxicated gentlemen in tow.  (That's 20 minutes of questions about why this "nice" man keeps falling over, wobbling, slurring, etc)
Think to self: It's okay we can still salvage this. There is STILL time for Magic.
.......Realize while sitting in the tahoe for 20 minutes, fielding questions about an intoxicated man, that the scholastic books you ordered ahead of time to avoid last minute shopping, did not come in and ta daaa, Kadence's preschool party is the next day, for which you needed said books.
Think to self....it is FINE. It is F I  N E....we will jump over to Walgreens, grab a book and back to Christmas "magic." 
Go to Walgreens.
NO BOOKS.
No JOKE.
Get in the car kids.
Go to Walmart (7:00pm)
Get damn book
Leave Walmart (7:30pm)
Get to Arbys for supper (7:40 pm)
Kadence cries because she wants to go inside for ketchup.
Give up.
Eat in Arbys.
Head for home (8:10pm)
Magic.
Not so much,

Attempt for "magic" Round two.

Friday Plan:
Leave work and pick up stocking stuffers and groceries, as it is the last chance to go to the store on my own since Mark would be working nights all weekend.  Once I had the last of the Santa items, grab Kadence from daycare and head home and have a candle light supper with the kids. Complete with wine glasses and sparkling juice. 

Which actually went more like this:
Leave work.
Where are my keys?
Well, of course, they are in the ignition,
with the doors locked.
Logically.
*SIGH
Call Mark at home
He still needs to clean up and get ready for work but could be over in an hour or so to unlock the tahoe.
Thank him for bailing me out without a condescending comment.
Realize he will get to Columbus after 5.
With daycare closing that means.....well however will one get the stocking stuffers with Kadence in tow ?  SIGH. 
"Beg" or plead with Aunt Linda and Elli to pick up Kadence and watch her for a last minute trip to Walmart for stocking stuffers and decide that the kids and I can come back Saturday for groceries.
Walmart equals hell.  Oh my stars the people.
Leave Walmart at 6:15.
Realize there will be no candle light "magic" supper.
Pick up Kadence.
Decide to just get groceries and be done.
Get home 8:45.
Magic.
Hardly!

Feel Defeated.
Wonder to self...........
what happened to the Holidays this year?!

Insert a few days at home:

..........and the magic is brewing.

I think we all just needed some down time (and heck maybe the snow!)

 

It is never going to be perfect.....

 

but there is always a way to find some magic of your own,

 

although it just may take a few tries! (*insert smile)

 

We finally pulled off our "candle light" supper Saturday  night....

couldn't find the fire starter, hence no candles...

and you can't see it but half the string of lights is dead.

 

And you know what...

 

STILL MAGICAL!

 

Find your Magic....the season is upon us.

The season of giving to others...

of time with family...

of beliefs in people and things we can't see but find in our hearts....

It is wonderful...

and yes, truly Magical.

If you just Believe.

"Black" Friday

Black Friday:

....................last year. 

We neglected pictures this year.  Drama and 32 weeks pregnant could have been factors!

Here is an excerpt from the Omaha World Herold regarding black Friday in Omaha:

About 1 a.m. Friday, two men got into a fight at Westroads and knocked over some signs, Omaha police said. The noise prompted the shots-fired rumor. Officers arrested a 22-year-old man on suspicion of disorderly conduct.

About 2:40 a.m. at Oak View, a 21-year-old woman suspected of shoplifting sprayed pepper spray into the faces of two security guards and a store employee in a loud disturbance that resulted in her arrest, police said.

The trouble disturbed few shoppers.

 

Here is how "the trouble disturbed few shoppers" looked like from our perspective!

Shortly after 1 I get a phone call: Jen where you shopping? 

Me: Yonkers

Which mall?

Me: Kim we're at Oakview right? Oakview. Why?

There was maybe a shooting at Westroads.

Freaky.

 

Fast forward an hour or so and we are still at oakview  checking out at bath and body works and I hear this loud rumbling noise...and I make eye contact with Kim like hmmmm. We both shrug our shoulders and self talk like it's nothing.

 

Well it just gets louder like elephants and while she hands the lady money I turn around and see out in the mall and people are RUNNING, like sprinting out of the mall, hence the rumbling sound, it was tons of people running out of the mall......

 

We make eye contact with the sales associate who immediately says follow me and we head back to their storage room. The associates continue to file all customers into the storage room, as I am pondering where is the best corner to stand in a storage room if a shooter enters. Will I remember to play dead? Holy Crap. Is this happening?!

 

Both Kim and I try calling Linda because we know she is in the mall but there is no reception in the back storage room.

 

I just kept thinking...........yes yes please more people cram in please so I am further back...hidden.

 

I am sure it didn't last long. 5 minutes or so. Maybe longer. Maybe shorter.

 

Ends up it wasn't a shooting. Some lady shoplifted and then maced the security guard who tried to stop her and he tazed her causing a commotion hence a noise others may have thought were gunshots and the herd of running. 

 

We knew Linda was in the mall too so once they opened the door to let us back out she called right away. She said they were up by the escalator and a guy with a pistol in his hand at his hip grabbed her side and said ....get out of the mall there is going to be a shooting. (Yes a Man with a gun!)She said she was running down the escalator probably while we were in the storage room and couldn't see anything but apparently they closed all the gates on the store fronts so like if you were out in the hall you were just out.  Although I do remember asking Kim....is there a lock on the store room?!  Someone better lock the store room!  

*Linda saw this guy shortly after and they are thinking he was a undercover cop maybe

 

When they let us out. We walked straight out of the mall and straight out to the car and just sat there. I think it took an hour for my heart rate to come to normal.

I am not sure Kim's bladder ever recovered! *smile!* Sorry Kimmy!

so the whole "shoppers were not disturbed"

 isn't really all that accurate from, oh a shoppers point of view!

 

Sad what is reality now.

Probably 5 years ago...maybe less...

if there was a fight,

a brawl

a cop that tazes a shoplifter

we would have all tried to get a little closer

try to see what is happening!

Let's watch the fight, from a short safe distance of course!

 

Not anymore.

Not in today's society.

The reality that things can go horribly wrong is so real to people today.

 

I just realized this weekend how sad our reality is now.

 

Definitely a black Friday that will go down in the books.

32 weeks pregnant.

Up 24 hours.

First shooting scare.

 

....and yet my Christmas shopping is almost done!

Whoop!

The silver lining!

 

*the kids are hilarious this year.

They wrapped presents yesterday all by themselves and it was too cute.

Kadence told Mark

"Dad, we did NOT buy you a TV. It's nothing."

 

I cannot wait to take them each shopping alone next weekend

and watch them pick out the perfect present for each other!

 

Just a reality, I would like to establish in them,

to take root in who they are....

the joy in giving to others!

Balancing society's reality

with the gift of living....

a new parenting role in our world today.

 

Game on.

Society: 1

Jen: 1

 

Bring on next weekend!