I can't sleep

To do this "the drop off" once is heart breaking.....
to do it twice is....
indescribable. 

What is asked of me tomorrow, will take every ounce of me.

I will hand my baby to a stranger
and walk away.
Walk away with blind trust that she will not only feed and change him,
but cuddle him
smile at him,
sooth him,

love him.......

and I don't know if I can do it.

I really don't know.

I first said here that the pick up is the unspoken worse  but I fear tomorrow the
drop off is gonna be rough.

She is a stranger to my baby.
She is a stranger to...me.

So stop telling me "it will be fine."

You don't know that.

Stop telling me "it will work out."

because we won't know that...
until it's either working out or too late,
At the expense of an innocent soul without a voice.

My classic coping mechanism has kicked in...

don't go to bed

because that only means tomorrow will come.

...eventually I will have to succumb to the night and I will sleep with Benson's blanket
(as I did with the other kids but didn't admit out loud) so he can have the safety
and security of our familiar scent and bond for as long as possible tomorrow....

The Question of the Day

The question of the day yesterday and today is:

How did drop off go?

 

The hype is for the drop off....

but the unspoken worst is the pick up.

The pick up you ask ...

Yup because you whisk them up...

Snuggle them close.....

Slowly Breath them in.....

 and.....

they smell like someone else.

And your heart breaks.

 

So to answer your question.

The drop off went great.

 

Do it anyways...

'My whole life I've been telling myself, 'don't be afraid'. And it is only now that I'm realizing how stupid that is. Don't be afraid. Like saying, 'don't move out of the way when someone tries to punch you' or 'don't flinch at the heat of fire' or 'don't blink'. Don't be human. I'm afraid and you're afraid and we're all always going to be afraid, because that's the point. What I should be telling myself is 'be afraid, but do it anyway'. Live anyway.” - Unknown

 

 

 

Some things come back to you, just like riding a bike, as the saying goes.

Other things take some reminders, maybe some relearning!

 

Oh how I had forgotten how tiny their lil butts are as newborns

or how sweet it is when they suck their little legs up to their bums when you pick them up 

and somehow over night I swear the two big kids grew exponentially.

 

I was surprised how quickly I adjusted to 5 to 6 hours of broken sleep.

Naps?

What are they?

 

 

Just as we are getting things figured out, it is soon time to change again.

Back to work comes in a little over a week.

I've done this before.

The first drop off.

This time is different though.

This time I dread it more than the other times....

knowing how quickly they grow,

knowing how much is missed...

This time though there is more.

I love my job.

I have outstanding coworkers.

Yet, inevitably going back to work brings more to do.

More to do brings more stress.

More stress brings out crabby mom more frequently!

Until I went on maternity leave I didn't realize how much stress I  carried day to day, balancing what needs done at work, what needs done at home, what the kids need.

i just feel so much lighter and I know what comes walking back in that door.

We'll strike a new balance.

This I know.

We have someone great lined up to love on our newest addition.

My coworkers (friends!! and sometimes life lines!!) will help me!

I know.

I know.

In the mean time I can't fret what I do not know.

Right?!

SO I tell myself ...be afraid, but do it anyway. Live anyways.

 

 

ps...about that statement of how quickly you adjust to sleep deprivation....I took Cohen to taekwando tonight in Columbus. Got bottles ready.

Left said bottles on the counter.

Yup drove to Columbus with absolutely no bottles for the baby.

so perhaps my perception of adjustment may be skewed a bit!

*Surely a wet wipe and water is just as effective at sterilizing a bottle as boiling! Right?!